An Anthem

Back in 1985 the Chicago Bears unleashed the song “The Super Bowl Shuffle” upon the world.  There was even a video in which most of the players danced awkwardly and badly and a few even pretended to play instruments.  It was a rap tune, just to make things even more embarrassing.  If there is anything more embarrassing than Jim McMahon rapping it might be Steve Fuller rapping.  The thing is that they went on to win the Super Bowl and I think that was a good thing otherwise that video would have been REALLY embarrassing.  However, on behalf of Chicago I would like to apologize for unleashing the “Super Bowl Shuffle” upon the rest of you. The Bears are having another good season.  They won seven games in a row.  Then they lost to Miami.  They lost to Miami the year they won the whole thing too.  However, the Bears now have to go on this bizarre extended east coast run to play both New York teams and the New England Patriots.  Of course the Bears beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl that year and I only bring that up just to rub salt into the wounds of New Englanders.  It’s a small wound considering they have gone on to win something like twelve Super Bowls and they have Tom Brady.  We have Rex Grossman who may or may not be the best quarterback the Bears have ever had since some guy with the first name Syd back in the 40s. 

So, I think maybe it’s time for a new Bears theme.  Mostly because it’s time to put away the Chicago Bears of 1985 and move on to something else.  Yes, they were a great team.  There has rarely been anything as scary in the game of football as that defense.  Mike Singeltary staring with those crazy wide eyes had to have been enough to make some offensive linemen and quarterbacks wet themselves.  However, it is now 2006.  That means it is now past twenty years since that team took the field.  You would be hard-pressed to even find where William “Refrigerator” Perry is right now.  It’s time to start a new era. There is a radio show here in Chicago run by a guy named Jonathon Brandmeier.  It’s a morning show and the guy is kind of a radio legend.  He has a contest going now where listeners can submit songs that will eventually be voted as the best and the winner gets five grand.  Of course because the station hasn’t gotten official NFL approval for the thing when he talks about the contest he can’t even mention the fact that the song is for the Chicago Bears.  He has been playing clips from those who have submitted things already.  There seems to be a consistent problem with them, however, and I think that people have forgotten what a sports anthem should be. 

It wasn’t always this way.  Back when the group Queen wrote the song “We Will Rock You” they made a conscious effort to construct the song so it would be stomped and chanted during soccer matches.  I have no idea if Gary “Vietnam Pedophile” Glitter actually knew his song would become an anthem or not, but it did. People are very confused by “American Idol” I think.  This would be another reason why I think that show is evil.  The songs I have heard from this contest so far are not anthems.  These are not songs inebriated football fans would want to sing along and dance along with in unreasonably cold weather with their shirts off.  For all of the general badness of “The Super Bowl Shuffle” the damn thing was a song you could dance to in a stadium and chant along with during a game.  I think that may be the key to sports anthems and that would be that the song should be kind of crappy. 

The songs submitted so far have people belting out these ridiculous heart-felt songs about the Bears.  Who in the hell is going to sit there with their pot-belly hanging out from their worn out Bears jersey while holding a beer and sing out some sort of ballad about Brian Urlacher?  No one, would be the answer to that particular question. Just look at some of the anthems.  While “We Will Rock You” is also a great rock song it is ridiculously simple.  It is a bunch of people stomping and clapping while the singer chants trash-talk.  The chorus is easy to chant and is, in fact, the title of the song.  Then there’s a great guitar solo that soused sports fans can air-guitar to.   

“Who Let the Dogs Out” has to be the most inane song ever created.  It sits right along side with such classic bad-song gems like “The Macarena” and that song where the guy sings about all of the women he has slept with.  Still the fact is that “Who Let the Dogs Out” is easy to remember.  You can chant along with it and make those barking noises.  Nothing says “anthem” like making animal noises. There have been accidental anthems.  The key to the anthem is the simplicity.  Some guy wrote this song about a guy singing to this woman who was cheating on him.  He wanted her to go ahead and kiss him good-bye.  When it became obvious this was a potential hit he created this group called Steam and released “Na-Na-Hey-Hey” for everyone else to chant as pitchers leave the field during White Sox home games.  Why does it work?  Because the song lyrics are simple and stupid and even juvenile and easy to chant and remember and not some long loving dissertation about the wonders of Rex Grossman’s throwing arm.   

Previous anthems have always been simple.  “Bear Down Chicago Bears” is a rather simple song and has to be one of the earlier sports anthem songs to achieve some sort of popularity.  I don’t know the exact history and origins of the sports anthem because I am just not ambitious enough to look it up but I am betting it started as something for cheerleaders to do on the sidelines.  Chanting cheers and easy-to-follow anthems are very close cousins. So, we need a new anthem here in Chicago.  It should be simple.  It should be something you can sing along with.  It should not be something that some young wannabe Carrie Underwood will sing and look like she might be straining a muscle while singing it.  It should be something a working stiff wearing an out-of-fashion winter coat while wearing a stupid foam bear’s head on his own head instead of something warm.   

So, come on Chicago.  Let’s put something together.  I want to see a video with Peanut Tillman dancing before the end of the year. Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Fall and Television

There are times when I feel like I am becoming one of those cranky old men who sit there and talk about how things were better back when I was younger.  That isn’t the case.  Generally speaking things are better now than they were in the good ol’ days.  Of course, the things that were happening in the good ol’ days weren’t really all that good.  Plus, technology is better now and, generally speaking, that makes things better. 

However, there was a time when television shows made something like 656 shows per season.  The “Honeymooners” was only one for like half of a season but they made six hundred and fifty-three thousand shows which is why they can run in syndication in perpetuity.  Somewhere along the way television seasons became something like two and a half shows for hour-long dramas and about ten for sit-coms.  I blame the loose morals of the 1970s for this, but I only just made that up and I don’t actually have any evidence. 

That was fine for a long time.  Now, however, something has come along that I just don’t understand.  When did television shows start having “Fall Season Finales?”  I believe I speak for all television viewers when I say, “Um, huh?”   

See, what used to happen was the television shows premiered for the fall sometime in September.  All of your favorite television show characters would be back and bigger than life, unless of course they were canceled in the off-season.  Still, most of them came back and that was great.  It was like welcoming old friends or something equally poetic.  Then you got to sit through the entire season.  There would be times throughout the year when repeats would be shown.  As I recall, when I was a youth, running barefoot through the fields, these repeats came sometime during the holidays.  I have no idea why this was.  I mean, they usually had the whole season filmed and “in the can” anyway.  Still, I guess they figured no one would be watching television during the holiday season. 

This is a misnomer of course.  Hardly anyone I know actually goes on vacation during the holidays.  Instead they all take time away from work and sit at home.  The problem then is that there’s nothing to watch on television.  Sure, relatives come over but, at some point, you get sick of all of that noise and the only way to shut it out is to turn on the television.  Which, of course, is only showing repeats. 

Anyway, you lived through the repeat season and then, after the first of the year, the shows would come back and you would watch them until the big climax.  Then there would be the big season finale sometime around the time when the school year would end.  The season finales were what you waited for all season.  The whole season built to these things.  This was what brought the world “Who Shot J.R.?”  It was the season finale that blew up the apartment complex at the end of “

Melrose Place

.”  It was the season finale that had the big showdown between Buffy and whatever villain she had been fighting all season long on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”  When “The West Wing” was a good show one season ended with the President being shot. 

This is the way of television.  This is where I sound like an old man.  Why?  Because that was the way I liked it.  I blame the television show “Prison Break” with this disturbing new trend.  You see when this show came on in the fall of ’05 no one was really sure how it would be received.  It was on Fox and it was on the same night as “24.”  For some reason they had pushed back the start of “24” until after the first of the year.  I think there may have been some other show that was in the mix on Monday night.  However, “Prison Break” became a kind of hit and they had to finish the damn season and actually break them out of prison just so the title would make sense.  However, they had to clear the schedule a bit to show “24” and so they stopped “Prison Break” in the middle of the fall and resumed it again later in the spring. 

I may have some of those facts mixed up but I believe this may have been the genesis of the “Fall Season Finale” which is a trend I would like to put a stop to right now even though I know not a single television network will ever read this or care.  You see November is a “sweeps” month which means ratings really matter so they must love the idea of having a big-deal episode for shows and then resuming those shows in February which just happens to be another “sweeps” month and so they get everyone coming back to view those shows that they have had to live without for three months. 

Don’t they realize that the only thing that gets us through the winter months is television?  It already gets dark at like two-thirty in the afternoon.  The only glow that can save us and get us through those dark nights is the warm glow of the boob tube.  Sure, they now program shows during the summer.  Yes they have been shoving also-ran shows at us as replacements during the winter months for years.  However, the great thing was that you could ignore those and still have your favorite characters to watch. 

Most recently the show that completely upset me with this is “Lost.”  In fact, they just had the “Fall Season Finale.”  This is the show I was anxiously waiting for all summer long.  They have shown like four episodes, answered nothing, made everything more confusing and now they just want to leave us hanging for three months.  What the hell kind of torture is this?  What are they putting in is place?  They are putting on a show that appears to be “Groundhog’s Day” with explosions.   

My advice for ABC is not to put this show on the air.  I know, you got Taye Diggs and he costs a lot of money and stuff, but how annoying is this show going to be?  Also, isn’t there a Denzel Washington movie coming out that deals with déjà vu?  How annoying is it to watch a show where the same day is repeated again and again and again. 

They have already changed the series premier times.  I have had to live with waiting until after the first of the year for “24” to start as it is.  I have lived with shows that ended up being in the minds of autistic kids.  I have watched shows that were brilliant and funny get canceled.  I want, very much, to draw the line at “Fall Season Finales.”  It has to stop somewhere.  Right? 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Just a Short Time More

The political season is just about over.  As I write this, it is only a couple of days away.  It should be something that is amazing to watch.  Our political system is, if I may brag, the finest in the world.  Generally speaking there aren’t coups or tanks roaming the streets forcing the will of a particular leader around here.  At the very least, there haven’t been for quite some time, anyway.  However, the one thing I can surely say about this season is, MAN am I glad it’s almost over. 

There’s a problem with American politics and it has very little to do with the views of the Republicans or Democrats.  It has to do with the advertising.  If you are like me, you are about ready to pull your teeth out with a pair of pliers if you have to watch on more ad approved by anybody.   

The ads start seeping into our culture and lives very slowly at first.  Usually, the candidate who has the most money starts doing a few commercials here and there maybe up a year before the election.  These are usually the self-congratulatory type of ads. 

The scene will open to a governor or senator or representative in a park somewhere that is probably nowhere near the state they represent.  The sky will be blue.  Their hair will remain perfect despite any wind.  Throngs of children will be sitting at their feet. 

“Hi there.  I’m Joe Snerdly and I’ve been Governor of [

INSERT
STATE] for some time now.  In that time, I have managed to knock out crime, solve the budget crisis, cure cancer, and make our children into super brains.  Never mind the fact that we had to cut a deal with
North Korea to make all of that happen.  Vote Snerdly.  My wife would.” 

We then get a nice shot of the candidate with his or her spouse.  There is usually music of a patriotic nature and a flag waves somewhere.  They are relatively pleasant if a little stupid and they blend right into the background.  However, as the election starts to get closer the ads start to take a darker tone.  By this time the incumbent has enough money to hire slick
Hollywood producers to make the commercials.  The person trying to unseat the incumbent has been stumping all over the place as well and has a nice little war-chest.   

The commercials start to run more often.  They take a darker tone.  The negative ads start coming out.  Both candidates are throwing mud.  These commercials usually have still pictures of the opposing candidate followed by ominous music and words that float out of the background with accusing words like MURDERER. 

“You’ve had four years of Joe Snerdly.   In that time Snerdly has embezzled sixteen trillion dollars and built himself twelve mansions.  He also likes to kick puppies to death on weekends.  Finally, he was last seen three weeks ago actually eating babies instead of kissing them.  Is this the kind of leadership we want in this state?  Bobby Junobits doesn’t think so.  Remember that eclipse a couple weeks back?  It was Bobby who brought the sun back.  Vote Bobby Snerdly.  He can control the sun god and he doesn’t eat babies.”            At some point there will be a voice that speaks really fast and says that this commercial was paid for by one party or another.  Sometimes you get the ones that the candidate actually approves.  Neither actually says anything.  None of them actually tell you how the candidate will accomplish any of the things he or she promises.  In each one, I sense a certain desperation.  Please, elect me, so I can then vanish into the political system until the next election. 

Usually, at some point, after both candidates have accused each other of everything from cheating to sleeping with other people and possibly animals a candidate will have a commercial where they decry the other guy’s negative ads.  We got that here in
Illinois in the gubernatorial race between incumbent Rod Blagojevich and Republican Judy Barr-Topinka.  After accusing each other of everything short of the Holocaust there came an ad where Blago stood before a tree with his hair helmet looking shellacked enough to deflect large-caliber bullets. 

“According to my opponent I’m responsible for everything wrong with the world and I’m the worst person in existence.” 

What this does about actually running a state or solving any of the actual problems in the state and the country I have no idea.  In the end that’s the real problem with these stupid commercials.  They just try to scare you or make you agree with something you already agree with.  They do very little, if anything, to actually make a person choose to vote and who to vote for.  In fact, I have heard many people here in this state say they would rather not vote for either candidate for governor just because the commercials are such a turn-off. 

Now that the vote is just a few days away there are time, especially during the news, where the entire commercial break is nothing but ads for candidates.  With the whole fairness thing and probably other reasons there are times the one candidate will have a commercial followed immediately by the opponent running a commercial that attempts to refute everything that the previous commercial just said.  At some point it’s like having commercials arguing with each other.   

The end result of all of those ads is a din that does nothing to truly differentiate the candidates and resolves nothing.  I am supposing there are a few people who might be influenced by these.  I am guessing ads must work for some reason because every time an election comes around they all spend tons of money for these things.  If it turned out they could spend all of that money on something else that would get them elected they probably would. 

I will be glad when this election is over.  In the end, I hope at least one good candidate gets elected who will actually do something for this state and this country.  Whether or not this happens, I have my doubts.  I just want the commercials to stop.  There are so many products that need stupid commercials to be run right now. 

 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s new novel Dust is now available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.