In Case You’ve Been Wondering What O.J. Has Been Up To

I had originally planned to write about a show that has taken me by surprise by being of excellent quality.  It’s nice when that kind of thing happens mostly because it has been so rare as of late.  There was a time when you might find multiple shows that were pretty good.  Of course that may have been when I was about ten years old so it’s hard to say if I had any real taste considering I was still watching cartoons on Saturday morning.  Anyway, I had wanted to recommend a show to people because I have been taken by surprise by this particular show.  However, the Fox network showed a commercial for something that almost knocked me on the floor. 

You are probably aware of the Fox network.  I remember when Fox officially became a network.  There was a time when David Letterman would talk about the Fox network and then laugh in fake hysterical laughter.  This was back when Fox was showing things like “Married…With Children” and a bunch of shows about autopsying aliens.  Of course that also made Fox famous.  It was Fox who was willing to put on just about any show that anyone pitched at them.  We all remember the various “When Things Attack” phase of the network.   

Since that originally time the network has managed to put on some quality shows and made itself a major network force to be reckoned with.  “The X-Files” is a good example of that.  The thing about that show, however, at least with me, is I find I have no desire to watch them in syndication.  Fox also now has shows like “House” and “Prison Break” which are also quality shows in my opinion.  Finally the show has always been the best place to find the funniest animated shows ever.  “The Simpsons” has to hold the record as being the longest-running and yet consistently-funny show in television.  I am also a huge fan of “Family Guy” and “American Dad.” 

It seems, however, that Fox just cannot get fully away from the days when it would show pictures of bears attacking old women or whatever.  I saw a commercial for a show entitled, and I swear to you I am not kidding, “O.J. Simpson: If I had Done it, this is How it was Done.”  Having just written that I actually had to pause, rub my eyes comically, and then stare again at what I had just written.  I kept waiting for it to be a joke when I watched the commercial.  I kept waiting for the punch-line.  I kept wondering when it would be revealed to be some kind of “Punk’d” show or “MadTV.”  For all I know this will still turn out to be a joke.  O.J. Simpson did have a show you could get on Pay-Per-View where he did practical jokes. 

So, judging from the commercial, O.J. is going to sit there and in some weird Bizzarro World interview act like he didn’t commit the murders but then explain how he would have committed them if he had.  In addition to having sore eyes from the rubbing I just gave myself a headache with that explanation.  Here’s the thing that O.J. needs to keep in mind: we all know you did it and we always have. 

It seems a silly thing considering what has happened since O.J. had the entire country held in its thrall.  September 11, 2001 was still years away.  It is amazing to think that there was a simpler time when we didn’t live in fear and weren’t at war and an ex-football player who had killed his wife and an innocent waiter could hold our attention.   

Like a lot of people I got fairly caught up in the thing.  I was on the air at a college radio station when the whole slow chase thing was going on.  I was getting phone calls from people wanting to update me on what was going on. I figured O.J. was going to shoot himself in the head inside that Bronco but that didn’t happen.  No, we had months and months of details and trial shenanigans to endure yet. 

Like a lot of people, I was also surprised that he was found not guilty.  One thing that people often forget when people are found that is that they are not declared “innocent.”  All they say is you are “not guilty” which is a bit of semantics and splitting-hairs but it is important.  Essentially “not guilty” means that the prosecution hasn’t presented enough of a case to show that you are guilty. 

What was always interesting to me was that O.J. claimed he had cut his hand by breaking a glass when he was here in
Chicago at a hotel.  I knew where the hotel was that he was supposed to be staying at when he was here.  I used to drive past it all the time.  I remember when cops were combing the area around the hotel looking for the knife. 

I wonder what O.J. is going to say during this particular television special.  It seems amazing to me that he is going to say anything in particular.  Of course he isn’t going to just admit that he did it.  At the same time he is going to give his theories on how someone could get away with that kind of murder.  Apparently this is what all of his independent investigating has dug up for him.  Remember when he said he was going to devote his time to finding Nicole’s killer and then went golfing?  Apparently he found some evidence on the ninth hole. 

Of course Fox is showing this during the sweeps period that comes every November.  More than likely people will tune it.  At the very least it will be nice to visit and remember a time when you didn’t have to worry if the guy who lives across the street was a terrorist.  It was such a kinder, gentler time when you just had to worry about ex-football stars lopping your head off with a giant knife. 

It is also a throwback to a simpler time when the Fox network was showing specials about people autopsying alien bodies.  It was a nice time to remember when you could turn on Fox and see animals attacking children.  If only for nostalgic purposes this show may be worth watching.As for me, I remember the O.J. trial because of one phrase a friend of mine named Pat once said on a radio talk show.  Back then Pat and his brother and some friends would call this local night-time radio talk show and see if they could get on the air posing as legit callers and then fill their statements with inside jokes.  The goal was to see how long you could remain on the air with ridiculous sounds going on in the background or silly noises or strange phrases being thrown out.  It was funny.  Pat, however, called in once about O.J. and may have said one of the funniest sentences I have ever heard. 

“I think when the DA and the LAPD get the DNA tests back they’re going to see it was O.J.’s fault those people were DOA, do you agree with me?” 

Yes, I do, Pat.  Yes, I do. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.