Cinema Snobs

I actually have the credentials to be a total cinema snob.  I got a piece of paper from

Webster
University that says I can be.  It was mostly an accident that got me this piece of paper.  I love movies.  I have always loved movies.  It comes from my dad who loves movies and used to sit me down and tell me to watch certain movies because he figured I would like them and, most of the time, he was right.  This is how I became fans of “Fail-Safe,” and “The Wild Bunch.”  I also saw the suite of Man With No Name movies by Sergio Leone that starred a young Clint Eastwood in a poncho and bad dubbing. 

Apparently if you attend a school like

Webster
University, which has a large theater and film and media department then you get the chance to watch a lot of movies.  You spend a lot of time dissecting moves the way scientists will dissect a frog.  You take a lot of film history classes.  You also get to take classes that meet once a week with names like “Film Theory and Criticism: The Films of Martin Scorsese.”  This class would get together, watch “Raging Bull” or “Taxi Driver” and then discuss it like the end of the world depending on us discovering religious symbolism in “Taxi Driver” and then write a four-page paper about it.  Also, apparently, if you take enough of those classes you can graduate with a Certificate in Film Theory and Criticism.  That’s what I got and that was my minor and that’s why I am, essentially, still not gainfully employed to this day. 

In each of these classes there was always the Cinema Snob.  You have probably run into these people before.  These are the types of folks who sit around watching “Citizen Kane” for fun.  While I too appreciate that movie and have watched it more than once I am also willing to admit that it isn’t exactly a fast-paced, edge-of-your-seat romp like some other movies.  It is long and ponderous and way too serious about itself.   

These were the folks who couldn’t seem to watch a movie in its historical perspective.  I have a good friend who is like this.  He watched the movie “Birth of a Nation” in a film class and could only talk about how bad the plot was.  When I tried to stress that the fact it had a plot was still relatively revolutionary at the time and that the movie was complicated and had an epic feel and that was revolutionary fell on deaf ears.  Yes there are terrible flaws in this movie including its shocking and bald-faced racism, but you can also appreciate the movie in its perspective.  This is a movie that had huge, epic battle scenes that had never been filmed before.  It was one of the first to use the camera to some effect rather than just letting it sit passively by. 

There are those who, I think, sometimes lose sight of the fact that movies are to provide some kind of escape and should still be fun.  I run into too many people who seem to want movies to change their lives or their perspective on the world.  They want deep characters and complicated plots.  These are all good things.  These are things that elevate movies into the realm of cinema and art, but they don’t have to be there every time.  I think a movie can still be fun. 

I have brought up a certain movie time and again in my writing that I hold up as an example of a guilty pleasure and loving a movie just because it is fun rather than, oh, good.  This movie is the Bruce Willis vehicle called “The Last Boy Scout.”  This movie, when looked at logically, makes little sense, is not even the tiniest bit even remotely possibly, could never happen and has the characters doing things that they just could not survive.  If Bruce Willis’ character were a real person in real life there is no way he would be alive by the end of this movie.  This is a movie that has a character shot through the hand in one scene and then throwing a football while riding a horse a second later.  I am fully and freely admitting this is a very stupid, silly movie. 

Want to know the other thing about this movie?  If you can literally shut down your brain for a while and stop trying to be logical or make sense out of it is a movie that hits the ground running and never stops.   I mean this movie opens with a football player carrying a gun onto the field and shooting the other team and ends in a football stadium with a sniper getting chopped up by helicopter blades.  The bad guys are really bad.  The good guys are good enough for you to cheer for them.  Then the bad guys get their comeuppance and they get it good.   

I saw this movie on video with a bunch of friends in college.  None of us was expecting a good movie.  We were looking for a movie to make fun of.  We didn’t get a good movie but we got a movie that was so earnest in its badness and willingness to baffle us with B.S. that we were all swept up into the story and cheering by the end.   

The movie “Desperado” is still one that can spark arguments between me and one of my friends.  Again, this is a movie that makes little sense.  Not one second of this is believable in the real world.  However, I am an old comic book fan.  I am a guy who believes a radioactive spider-bite can make you able to stick to walls and give you a “spider sense.”  Therefore a guy with a guitar case full of guns who never runs out of bullets isn’t much of a stretch for me on the believability scale.  I laughed and cheered and had a blast watching this movie.  My friend thought it was the dumbest thing he has ever seen. 

There are just those who think that everything you do should somehow enhance your life.  If they aren’t watching a television show with profound writing or reading some ridiculously complicated book that somehow gives them deeper insight into the inner-workings of their psyche or the world around them then they feel like the time isn’t well spent.  This same attitude, logically, gets applied to movies.  I, personally, feel that entertaining yourself and letting yourself forget about the world for a while is  worthy cause and that being entertained is enough of a reward. 

Of course, as I say this, I have recently been asked by a certain online magazine to be a movie critic to review DVDs and have those reviews linked to Rottentomatoes.com.  Once I start reviewing these movies it may turn me into one of these cinema snobs.  I think too many movie critics turn into cinema snobs and, in some ways, that makes sense.  If you had the job of reviewing movies then you might want to have some quality and you might get a little jaded. 

Still, I hope I will always believe that there is room for movies that are fun and not profound.  I think there is room for “National Treasure” and “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”  Not everyone has to be a literal adaptation from the original source and not all of them have to change the world.  They can just be fun. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.  

Living as a Lobbyist: a DVD Review

The movie “Thank You for Smoking” is now available on DVD and it is definitely worth adding to your NetFlix list or taking a trip down to your local rental store or whatever it is you do to watch movies these days.  If you want a movie that will repeatedly make you laugh out loud while also making you think with devastatingly biting writing and outstanding comedic performances than you need look no further than this movie.  While much of this has to be slightly over-stated for comedic purposes you know that there is much truth hidden here. 

“Thank You for Smoking” tells the story of Nick Naylor who is also known as the Sultan of Spin.  He works for the big tobacco companies and he does what he can to spin the negative aspects of smoking and the detrimental effects of smoking into something positive.  For example, in the opening scene as he sits next to a boy who is maybe sixteen and has been smoking since he was a pre-teen and is now dying of cancer he makes a surprisingly valid point.  Why would big tobacco want to kill this young man?  They are losing a customer.  The anti-smoking people, however, want this boy to die because in his dying he furthers their cause.  Now THAT’S spin. 

Naylor meets regularly with two other lobbyists and they call themselves the MOD Squad.  MOD stands for Merchants of Death.  Maria Bello plays the lobbyist for the alcohol companies who dreads the fact that 60 Minutes is running a report about fetal alcohol syndrome.  His other friend is played by David Koechner who is the lobbyist for the anti-gun control people.  He, right now, is trying to deal with yet another disgruntles postal worker who has gone berserk and offed some of his co-workers.  They meet, have dinner and discuss strategies and compare who has the larger death toll. 

Meanwhile William H. Macy turns in another outstanding and comedic performance as a
Vermont senator who is trying to pass legislation that will require a skull and crossbones to be placed on every pack of cigarettes.  You see he feels it’s unfair to  want to kill the people who don’t speak English because they can’t read the wording on the other warnings.  Macy sits behind a desk covered with maple syrup bottles of all shapes and sizes. 

Naylor works for a company that is supposedly created to study the effects of smoke on people.  This company has been in existence for thirty years, was created by the tobacco companies and has managed to, for thirty years, prove that there is no correlation between cigarette smoke and cancer and other diseases.  As Naylor himself admits of the scientist in charge he is “brilliant.” 

J.K. Simmons, he of J. Jonah Jameson in “Spider-Man,” is Naylor’s boss.  They come up with the idea that they need to get celebrities in movie to start smoking again.  Off goes Naylor to meet with Rob Lowe, who plays a superstar agent.  Lowe is also hilarious as a man who only wants to make a deal and doesn’t care about the consequences.  Eckhart and Lowe play convincing characters as they discuss that they cannot get superstars to smoke in a movie set in modern times.  However, if it were a period piece set in the past when everyone smoked or perhaps in the future when smoking would be made safe again…wellllll…. 

Katie Holmes even shows up and puts in a decent performance of a sexy reporter bent on getting the story behind Naylor.  Cameron Bright plays Naylor’s son and he turns in an outstanding performance.  He understands what his father does and he evidently has some of his father’s talents.  When his father shows up at his school on career day, before his father goes up to speak, he begs his father to “not destroy my childhood.”  Naylor then skillfully defends his position when told by a young girl in the class that her mother says smoking is deadly.  “Is your mommy a doctor?”  he asks. 

There is a definite note of deep cynicism of this movie.  However, one scene leads seamlessly into another.  The movie is put together beautifully and keeps you hurtling forward.  There is an interesting note that not a single person is shown smoking or holding a cigarette throughout the entire movie.  The closest you get is a scene involving nicotine patches and that turns out to be played for comedic purposes.  Also, Robert Duvall turns in a brief performance as The Captain, a man who is legendary as an advocate for tobacco.  He wields a cigar at one point. 

The movie is full of well-timed jokes.  The performances are all spot-on and that even goes for Katie Holmes who has, at times, been rather jarring for me in other performances.  The writing is crisp and intelligent and witty.  This is not a movie that resorts to scatological humor to get its point across.  There is also not a single scene of someone wrestling another man while nude. 

Somewhere along the way, in
Hollywood, comedies became an attempt to throw as many jokes at you at once as could possibly be fired.  It’s like loading a cannon with grapeshot and firing it at a group of marching soldiers.  You throw as many as you can and see what sticks.  Those that don’t you just ignore and hope that more sticks than doesn’t.  This becomes a way for writers to find a way out of writing decent comedy.  Rather than carefully crafting humor or creating humorous situations you just need a bunch of quick jokes in rapid succession.  “Thank You for Smoking” takes the time to let its jokes build.  I feel this makes the laughter more rewarding. 

Of course you know there is truth behind this story.  Despite the payouts big tobacco has had to make in recent years you know they still have spin doctors out there.  They put out ads telling people about the dangers of smoking while still putting ads in magazines telling you how great their cigarettes are.  More and more of them seem to be selling towards younger and younger people.  You get them hooked young and then maybe you can get thirty years out of them before the smoke finally kills them.  I am sure tobacco companies loved the idea of the cigar bar and the popularity of cigars that swept the country for a while. 

In the end this is a very good and smart piece of comedy.  It is a movie that should be seen by adults as it is a comedy made for adults and made for adults who are intelligent and capable of thinking.  It is also a satirical and biting look at the inside of spin-doctoring and how companies and organizations can use people, words and images to make their policies a reality and affect legislation. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

What Big Oil Wants, it Gets: A DVD Review

The movie “Syriana” came into theaters in 2005 and won George Clooney an Academy Award.  At the time the critics praised it but they warned that the plot was a labyrinth and almost impossible to understand.  Upon hearing that it was determined by me that I would simply not try to connect all of the dots or put all of the pieces together and that I would just watch the movie and watch the performances.  Although the DVD has been out for a while, I must recommend this movie because you cannot watch it without having the feeling that this is true. 

Essentially what you need to know about the plot is that big oil companies have gained such power that they can influence the policies of not only this country but the countries where the oil comes from.  That, in a nutshell, is the point of this movie.  The details as to how each individual story fits together are really secondary.  This is a complex movie with very adult themes and that trusts its audience.  This is a movie that does not pause to explain at length what is happening.  This movie trusts the people watching that they are adults and capable of adult thought and it makes its point and moves on.  This is a rare thing in modern movies. 

The cast list is very impressive and it is long.  Matt Damon, George Clooney, Amanda Peet, Christopher Plummer, Jeffrey White, Christ Cooper, Tim Blake Nelson.  The main characters and those whose stories you follow are Clooney, Damon, White and the story of a man who wishes to become the next Emir of his country played by Alexander Siddig.  Also within this story is that of a man looking for work who ends up recruited by a fundamentalist Muslim group and ends up a suicide bomber. 

Each of these stories is told compellingly.  Matt Damon’s character is an energy analyst living in
Geneva who ends up invited to a party thrown by the Emir in some foreign land.  He accepts on a whim and pressured by his co-workers.  What happens at that party sets him onto a path he has not predicted and that brings him toward a conclusion that brings together his story, that of the prince and that of George Clooney. 

Clooney shows he deserved his Academy Award by turning in a fantastic performance as a CIA operative pretty much on his way out.  He is a man looking to stop playing around in the field that has become increasingly dangerous for him and to settle down behind a desk until he can retire.  The problem is he has trouble keeping his mouth shut at the right times.  Soon he is back in
Lebanon and meeting face-to-face with the leader of Hezbollah.  Not long after that he is tied to a chair being tortured in a scene that beats the one from “Reservoir Dogs.”  Trust me, this is a scene that is not easy to watch. 

Jeffrey Wright is a lawyer who is looking into the merger of two large energy companies.  He has to prove that these companies are doing their due diligence and that may mean certain people may need to be sacrificed to keep appearances up.  He is not a lawyer meant to show some great noble quest.  He is a lawyer who knows how this game needs to be played and he plays it. 

The tale of the young prince is very compelling.  His father is aging and his younger brother seems to show more interest in partying and becoming some kind of rock star.  His younger brother wants to keep things in his country the same as they have been.  Of course, to the oil companies and the
United States this is fine with them.  That means the oil keeps flowing.  His older brother, however, wants to make changes. He has lofty goals.  He wants the Arab countries to start better-controlling the oil and to start exporting oil to
China.  Needless to say, this will not due and that sets things into motion with the CIA and the politicians owned by big oil. 

These performances feel very real.  Not once did I feel it was George Clooney playing an aging CIA agent.  I felt his character was real.  The story of the worker who ends up a terrorist is also compelling and shows how these men get jerked around by the large companies and how this could easily lead to disillusion and spin someone into fundamentalism.   

These tales are told with equal weight and drama.  There are a few stray plotlines that seem to go nowhere.  The Jeffrey Wright character has an alcoholic father who shows up from time to time but seems to go nowhere and add nothing to the overall plot.  Amanda Peet’s character is very well portrayed but limited perhaps due to time and I felt she could have had a bigger role.  These are small quibbles, however. 

One of the standout performances is that of Tim Black Nelson.  You may have seen him in “O, Brother Where Are Thou?”  In this movie he plays one of the executives at the energy company that is trying to complete its merger.  He gives a speech about corruption and how corruption makes the entire system work that has to stand up there with Michael Douglas’ speech about greed in “Wall Street.”  It is a brief performance but impassioned and memorable. 

This is, in short, a very good movie.  It may make you angry.  It is amazing to think that this kind of thing must be going on.  The
United States is in very dangerous waters with its reliance on a substance that exists only a few places on the planet.  It seems a very cruel joke of nature that so much of this much-needed substance exists only in some of the most dangerous places on the planet.  So, despite hating terrorism and the policies and morality that is evident in some of these countries the
United States has to accept them and put up them because they need that resource.  Therefore those who may want to bring about real change in this region are considered dangerous because any upsetting of the balance may cut off the flow of that substance.“Syriana” is not a light-hearted movie.  It is not a movie to sit by and watch passively.  It tells multiple stories and it does it well.  The performances are powerful.  The camera-work is excellent.  The plots are intricate and well-written.  The overall plot may be too thick to see through, but if you take it in its component parts you can enjoy and amaze at excellent modern filmmaking.   

In short, I recommend a viewing of this DVD.  It will make you think.  It will make you gasp in surprise.  It will make you wonder about this country and who really runs whom.   

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Low-Tech Movies for You to See

I am a movie snob.  I have a degree that gives me permission to be this way.  Considering the tremendous amount of money my parents forked over to the university I went to so I could earn that piece of paper I think that truly entitles me to the right to be a movie snob.  It wasn’t my actual major but my minor and it technically is called Film Theory and Criticism. 

The great thing about getting this minor is that you spend a lot of time watching movies.  The other great thing is that you got to watch a lot of older movies.  Older movies are things a lot of people don’t think about these days.  I know some people who don’t even want to consider looking at a movie that isn’t in color.  It’s like there is an entire generation who thinks the history of movies started with “The Godfather” and then advanced from there.  Good lord, it would be unthinkable to consider watching a movie that’s in black and white. 

The problem with that line of thinking is the tremendous amount of great movies that are not being watched by large generations of people.  Of course, watching something in black and white and older than 1970 seems counter-intuitive to modern home film watchers.  The problem is that the modern home watchers all have these high-tech fancy crystal-clear DVD machines with state-of-the-art sound.  The fact that older black and white movies are often a tad blurry or indistinct means that most don’t want to consider watching them.  I think this is wrong. 

So, get out that Netflix list and start jotting.  I am going to shock and amaze you.  Ok, really, I am just making another list, but it sounds so much better to suggest I am going to shock and amaze you.  In fact, I am going to suggest that you go back further than the 1940s for movies.  In fact, I am going to suggest you go back to the beginning of cinema.  Yes, I am suggesting you find some titles that are so low-tech that they don’t even have sound. 

The silent film era is really not understood by a lot of modern movie-watchers.  The mere idea of reading anything is anathema to most of them.  The fact that so many were willing to read subtitles about Jesus still amazes me.  However it is amazing to look at film when it was still going through some growing pains.  It is amazing to watch movies that use emotion and the lack of dialogue and still tell a story with mood and images.  Movies should be about images anyway, really.  It is a visual medium. 

Some of the best uses of silent film fall into two genres: horror and comedy.  When it comes to horror you can’t go wrong with mood and images.  “Nosferatu” was directed by F.W. Murnau and released in 1922.  It was a very loose adaptation of Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  However, it was close enough that Broker’s relatives sued the filmmakers over it.  Still, how effective is this movie?  How scary is actor Max Schreck as the vampire?  So scary that when they made Stephen King’s “Salems ‘Lot” into a television movie they made the chief vampire look like the vampire in this movie.  The special effects are cheesy but they add something to the creepiness of the movie.  The weirdness of the film run backward gives the whole movie a sense of unrealness. 

“The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari” is considered by many to be the first true horror film.  It uses a term that became known as expressionism to great effect.  Buildings branch off at crazy angles.  The movie deals with madness.  This movie uses darkness and shadow to tell the tale of a kidnapping, a sleep-walker and one of cinemas first mad scientists. 

When it comes to silent film comedy a lot of people will steer you towards Charlie Chaplin.  This is all right.  I have seen a lot of Charlie’s work and he’s funny.  However, if you want to see where Jackie Chan got his inspiration and you want to see some movie stunts that will make you gasp and some gags that will truly make you laugh until you hurt then you have to go with Buster Keaton.  He is often referred to as “Old Stone Face” but that isn’t entirely true.  He does show emotion but somehow he manages to keep that face pretty serene in even the most ridiculous situations.  For my money you can’t got wrong with “Steamboat Bill, Jr.” and the tornado scene.  You also should watch “The General” which many consider to be one of the greatest films of all time.  Also, catch one of his later works “The Cameraman.”  There are scenes in that movie that had me rolling in the theater I was watching it in. 

Finally, when it comes to silent films I recommend a movie that will surprise many.  It is called “
Sunrise” and it is probably the finest silent movie that ever was, in my opinion.  It’s, of all things, a love story.  Yes, I know, I said it was a love story.  It tells the tale of a marriage, temptation and redemption.  When I was told what this movie was and what it was about I was not looking forward to it.  I am not a love story guy.  We were going to see a special showing of it at a theater on campus.  As the movie started, complete with a live piano, I found myself completely taken up in it.  I found myself edging forward on my seat.  I was amazed.  It touched me.  It was moving.   

When it comes to silent film you also can’t go wrong with Fritz Lang’s “Metropolis.”  The movie took two years to film and was the most-expensive of its day.  Sadly, it is also reported to be one of Hitler’s favorite films.  Lang went on to make sound films and the movie that falls into the “must-see” category is his serial killer movie “M.”  You must see this movie.  Yes, it’s in German but you will never look at the actor Peter Lorre the same way again.  You will also be shocked at a movie that old dealing with a child serial killer.  There is no music in this movie save for the creepy whistling of the killer.  Lorre’s tortured performance will do a truly remarkable thing – feel for the monster.  Seeing him on his knees screaming “I can’t help myself!” is movie-making magic at its best. 

Once you start getting into sound the usual suspects in black and white start to emerge.  Too many critics have hyped “Citizen Kane” to the point where it cannot possibly live up to expectations.  I happen to love the movie but, as I said, I am a movie snob.  It should be seen for movie historical purposes.  It is an amazing character study as well as a commentary on money, power and the media. 

Finally, I am suggesting you get a health dose of Humphrey Bogart.  For my tastes “The Maltese Falcon” may be the best black and white detective movie ever.  “
Casablanca” is another movie that suffers from too much hype but it’s a movie that is tense, funny, moving and strangely touching.  It really should be seen if you haven’t. 

There is much more I haven’t seen.  That’s the great thing about movies.  They have been in existence for a long time now.  That means there are a lot of movies to watch.  I hope you get a chance to see the ones I suggested.  Happy viewing. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s latest novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Good Ol’ Days of Horror

I have been a fan of horror and horror movies for almost as long as I can remember.  I have been through the various phases of horror.  When I was a kid it was common to find those black and white movies that probably instilled terror into the hearts of movie audiences in the 1930s.  Back in those days, during the depression, the idea of mummies and vampires was probably pretty scary.  Bela Lugosi in a cape and speaking in a strange accent was probably enough to scare the heck out of people. 

Even as a kid I never found those monster movies very scary.  I mean, for crying out loud, you could get Dracula, Phantom of the Opera and Frankenstein’s Monster action figures when I was a kid.  How scary is it when you can get a plastic toy to play with?  Especially when the plastic toy is only slightly bigger than the Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader action figures I had sitting somewhere across the room, how scary can they really be? 

When I first started watching movies on video it was the time when the slasher films had just started to take over.  I watched Halloween and had nightmares.  It was wonderful.  Like all trends, however, before too long the entire pool was saturated and by that saturation the entire genre got diluted.  With the creation of other movie monster like Jason and Freddy it kid of diluted the fact that the original Halloween is a brilliant and simple terror story about the boogeyman.  It’s scary because of the use of shadow and implication rather than splattering gore.  There is just enough blood to put the idea of blood in your head and then your brain fills in the blood the rest of the way. 

Since the pool became diluted the glory days of the slasher film came and went.  In fact, it seems like horror films went through a period where nothing was particularly good.  There was the gorefest films, of course.  I saw most of those during college.  These were movies that just amped up the gore and made it so that nothing was left to your imagination.  These movies dazzled with amazing special effects and sly tricks.  The great movies in this genre are “An American Werewolf in
London,” “John Carpenter’s The Thing,” and “The Fly.”  The fact that those three all took old-time monsters and updated is not lost upon me.   

Those movies were good.  They entertained.  They scared.  I remember watching them and turning away from the screen.  It was fun.  I have written about these movies and given my opinion about which ones you should watch.  Yes people died in these movies but there was always this sense of fun about them.  It is hard to explain this to someone who does not like horror movies.  The fun of horror movies is that they often are things that could not happen.  It is not possible for Michael Meyers to really exist.  You cannot have a man in a spray-painted Shatner mask who is invulnerable and comes back to life after being shot six times.  There really are no werewolves.  Vampires really do not exist.Watching a horror film was my equivalent to going on a thrill ride.  I hate thrill rides.  My stomach cannot take all of that dipping and spinning and turning upside down.  However, I can experience a visceral thrill watching a guy with knives for fingers swallow Johnny Depp into a bed and then fountain gallons of fake blood onto the fake ceiling.  That’s fun.  It was all done with a wink and a nod. 

I think that maybe horror films are, in some way, a reflection of the times in which they are made.  I, personally, enjoyed the brief dip into Japanese horror films.  While the American remakes may be a little less intense than the original Japanese movies I enjoyed them for the most part.  I like the way the Japanese are willing to accept ghosts and mediums and vast mental powers even from little girls trapped down wells.  To cynical American society such things have to be explained and, in that explanation, some of the magic and scariness of the originals is lost. 

There has been a more disturbing trend lately and it is one I am just not willing to take with the horror movie industry.  I am not sure I understand it.  I guess we live in a world when our own military is accused of torturing prisoners and you can find beheadings of hostages online if you look hard enough.  We live in a world when faceless people seem to be plotting to do us harm and the harm done in our minds is so terrible that seeing someone tortured must not seem so bad. 

Of course I am talking about the recent spate of torture films.  I don’t understand them.  I have not watched them.  It may have started before the movie “Saw” came out but I really don’t remember them before that.  I think maybe “Saw” just become enough of a hit that others figured they could make copycats of them. 

Just like when the pool became saturated with the slasher films the market is now inundated with these movies.  Far too often they do well at the box office.  “Hostel” begat “

Wolf
Creek” which begat “Chaos” which begat “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Beginning” which begat “Touristas.”  Now I see a movie that is supposed to come out this December about a torturer at Christmas time (although I think it’s actually a remake of a 1974 film, but I digress).  Perhaps I will need to reevaluate my holiday movie list, eh? 

In each of these movies it seems the same plot is followed.  A bunch of young people end up in a group going some place.  Most of the time they go somewhere in a car.  Then they veer off of their original course and end up somewhere where a guy is waiting for them.  Is it a slasher?  No, that would be bearable.  This is a guy who doesn’t just want to kill people.  This is a guy who wants to stalk, capture and then torture them.  As I understand it there are times when the bad guy doesn’t even want to kill his victims.  From what I read about the movie “Wolf Creek” there’s a point where the guy severs one of his victim’s spine and leaves her a “head on a stick.” 

I don’t understand the desire to watch this.  Maybe it is like when I was younger and people get some kind of thrill out of it.  I don’t see it.  These don’t seem to have a sense of humor.  They are dark and depressing and relentlessly mean and cruel.  It’s like being one step away from watching a snuff film.  Even “The Passion of the Christ” was, for all intents and purposes, a two hour movie of a man being horribly tortured to death. 

It’s strange to wish for the time when the scariest thing was Robert Englund with make up that made it look like he had a skin condition.   

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Holiday Movie Thing

My original idea was to create another list.  Since the holidays are upon us I figured it would be a good time to write about some of the best holiday movies.  People like lists.  The other lists I wrote seemed to get a decent response.  It creates dialogue, it seems.  People like making suggestions.  As such, I figured holiday movies would be a great topic what with it being the Christmas season. 

However, as I sat down to write I immediately ran into a problem.  The problem is very simple and can be summed up in three words:  holiday movies suck.  Yes, that’s exactly what I am saying.  I tried to come up with a list.  I went for a walk.  I pounded my head against a wall.  What did I end up with?  I got sore feet and a headache. 

I couldn’t come up with a list.  Yes, there are classic films that everyone watches year after year but, really, they aren’t very good movies either, are they?  You only watch them during one time of year.  It’s the time of year when you probably have warm and fuzzy feelings going already.  A lot of people associate the holidays with good memories and some of those memories surround watching certain movies with family members.  All of that suddenly makes “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” suddenly seem like a good movie rather than a poorly-acted, cheesy
Chevy Chase comedy which is what it really is.   

So, here is my list of holiday movies that are heart-warming, funny, and classic: 

A Christmas Story – In my opinion there is nothing better than the story of Ralphie and his family and his attempts to get hold of a Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.  It’s funny and, more importantly, it’s universal.  Yes, the movie is set in about 1940 but the themes mean as much today as it must have back then.  I know in my life that every year there was one toy or one present I looked forward to more than any other.  I would sit there in class and daydream about it.  I would doodle pictures of it on my notebooks.  I would dream of playing with the thing.  Then, when I finally got the chance to play with the gift, normally I was done and bored with it by the end of the day. 

This is a story that brings up nearly every single family holiday goof-up and tradition.  My house too had outlets that were crammed with plugs.  My father wasn’t exactly like the father in the movie but he did love to pick at the turkey my mother would be cooking all day long.  I even had one Christmas where I was longing for a BB gun.  I then proceeded to shoot up the basement of my parent’s house with it. 

The rest of the movies that come out during the holidays just don’t have the same feel to it.  Everyone watches and talks about “It’s a Wonderful Life” but I can’t sit through that movie anymore.  I honestly don’t care much about Zuzu and her petals any longer.  I also hate the idea that every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings and wish Clarence would freeze to death and drown.  Am I cynical?  Probably.  Cantankerous?  Most definitely. 

I watched “Miracle on

34^th Street

” and the remake just like everyone else.  Again, it was mildly amusing the first time I saw it.  Then it rapidly became annoying.  Once again I no longer cared if Santa ended up in the loony bin or not.  I’d rather just see the kid yank on the beard over and over again. 

I guess I still have a soft spot for the Rudolph movie.  Something about that harkens back to my childhood.  Does anyone remember the other Rudolph movie where he had to save the new year?  I remember that one because he had a friend who was a whale and I thought that was really cool. 

I have watched seemingly countless versions of “A Christmas Carol.”  I have to admit I was amused when I first saw the Bill Murray version “Scrooged.”  However, to me, the movie now seems dated.  It’s amazing that at one time having a movie with Bobcat Golthwait didn’t seem like a disaster in the making.  Even as I sat there in the theater I have to say I was thinking that this was not really a very funny movie. 

The problem in recent years is that the quality of these movies has managed to get worse.  Right now there is a movie about two guys who are competing or have problems with the decorations on the other person’s house.  Sounds like the same story that was “Christmas with the Kranks” which was just out last year and completely sucked.  Let’s not forget Ben Affleck’s movie where he tries to live with Tony Soprano or something. 

I blame Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad for this trend.  They did that stupid movie where the two of them run around looking for the hot toy of the season.  I knew it was going to be dumb for a couple of reasons, namely, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad.  Has there ever been a good movie with Sinbad in it?  I don’t think so. 

Of all of the movies I would have to say that the story of Ralphie, his brother, Scut Farkus and the BB Gun is the one I can watch again and again and again.  The great thing is that I can do exactly that because there’s that one cable channel that shows it all day and night on Christmas day.  I still laugh.  Just show me his brother saying “Meat loaf, beat loaf, I hate meat loaf” and I am on the floor dying. 

Beyond that, I have to say that holiday movies, much like holiday songs, have a very short shelf life and that is as it should be.  You can have your “White Christmas” and enjoy them if you want but you can count me out.  I can do without Bing Crosby in my holiday life, thank you very much.  I have no desire to watch that one again.  I saw it once and watched it with this really cute girl back in college.  Unless she is going to show up again to watch it with me, I really don’t care to see it. 

So, I am sure the airwaves will be filled with holiday movies.  There will be women having their lives made wonderful and various adaptations of Scrooge and his ghosts.  They will show the Peanuts kids shopping for that tree.  I will be taking walks in my neighborhood and enjoying the lights.  However, during that marathon, you had better believe I will be watching Ralphie dress up like a giant pink bunny. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in both print and eBook versions at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Bond Gets a Shot in the Arm

Just like the movie “Batman Begins” did last year for that flagging franchise the new James Bone film “Casino Royale” gives a stale series a much-needed shot of adrenalin.  This is, without a doubt, the best Bond film I have seen in a long time.  For those of you who were worried about Daniel Craig taking over the role, you don’t have to worry because he could be the best Bond yet and, yes, I am even factoring in Sean Connery. 

I am a James Bond fan.  I can’t help it.  In my family the James Bond movies were always watched whenever they were on television.  To this day, whenever AMC or one of the other cable channels has the Bond marathons, I am glued to the television nearly ever night.  Yes, some of them are fairly dreadful (“Moonraker”) but most of them are a lot of fun.  In fact, even the bad ones are fun.   

There was a big flap raised when Craig was picked to be the next bond.  He wasn’t tall enough and he’s blond.  The thing is he is EXACTLY what this movies needed and what this franchise needed.  He is real.  He is also probably the best-built Bond of any of them.  He looks like a guy who could kick your ass. 

This Bond goes back to the beginning.  We see James make his second kill to get his Double-O rating in the pre-credit sequence.  This is a James Bond unlike what we have seen before.  He is raw.  He is new to this.  He makes mistakes.  He is reckless and arrogant.  He doesn’t even regularly drink martinis.  Also, he is utterly and completely ruthless.  This Bond is a stone-cold killer.  He doesn’t kill his enemies cleverly and then make a witty retort.  He drowns them in sinks and shoots them right in the face. 

Bond’s mission is to take down Le Chiffre.  Le Chiffre is a man who is the financial wizard for terrorist organizations from around the world.  This is a villain who does not live in some gigantic island base or underwater in some base that rises from the ocean depths.  He has a fairly fancy yacht but that’s about it.  He is the man who takes care of the money for terrorist organizations from around the world.  He invests the money and makes it available to them anywhere on the planet.  He also, occasionally, has to create a terrorist act of his own in order to ensure that his investments pay-off. 

When James disrupts one of his activities he finds himself in a bit of debt.  With terrorists, you don’t want to tick them off by telling them you have lost their money.  Le Chiffre has an ace up his sleeve, almost literally.  He loves to play poker and he is very good at playing poker.  So, if he can win a high-stakes game at the infamous Casino Royale, he can make back the money he lost plus more.   

This is where James comes in.  He is given his Double-O status and then backed by MI:6 and sent to Casino Royale to beat him in poker.  He is to bankrupt Le Chiffre and thereby disrupt the finances of countless terrorist organizations across the globe.  Of course, they also know that Le Chiffre will probably not be long for this earth once the people he is supposed to be helping find out hey lost all of their money. 

So, yes, this is a movie where the major centerpiece of the movie is a card game.  In the original Ian Fleming novel it was baccarat.  They have made it a little more modern by making this card game Texas Hold ‘Em.  They manage to make even this very exciting.  Who would imagine watching men playing cards could be exciting?   It’s tense.  It builds.  You’ll gasp.  You’ll cheer.  Man, this was a good movie. 

The opening sequence, right after the credits, is a chase scene that you will just have to see to believe.  The price of admission is worth it just for this scene alone.  I have no idea who the actor is who plays the man Bond is chasing but this guy, or his stunt double, can do some of the most amazing acrobatics I have ever seen.  This scene goes on for a long time and not a single moment of it is wasted.  Is it realistic?  Hell no, but damn it is exciting.  They jump off of giant cranes and up and down a building under construction.  This is one of the best chase scenes in any Bond film ever. 

This is a stripped-down Bond.  There is no “Q.”  Judi Dench is back as “M.”  It’s not that there are NO gadgets, but there is no pen that shoots missiles or a car that can somehow turn invisible to the naked eye.  There are cell phones with tracking devices and an implant in the arm that allows Bond to call home for help.  Beyond that the only thing Bond needs are his fists and his gun complete with silencer. 

This Bond is brutal.  He has bloody knuckles when he’s done fighting.  He gets hurt.  He even falls in love.  Yes, there are Bone women.  There are two of them, actually.  Caterina Murino is the wife of one of Le Chiffre’s associates who ends up in Bond’s bed.  The second is Evan Green who plays Vesper Lynd and she is the one who is supposed to provide the money for Bond’s game should he go through the original ten million she provides.  She also steals Bond’s heart.  Then…well, you’ll just have to see it to find out. 

This is a Bond story that manages to take you back to the old days while also reminding you of more modern spy stories like the Bourne movies.  In fact, I have a feeling a lot of the action was inspired in some way by those movies.  We don’t need a bond with a rocket pack anymore.  However, a Bond who can use his fists and a gun better than anyone will work just fine, thank you. 

If there is one complaint I have about this movie is that it is a tad too long.  There is a long sequence near the end where you kind of wish they would have tightened things up a bit.  It’s nice to see Bond have a tender moment or two but it shouldn’t drag on quite as long as it does. 

This is a very good movie.  It is an excellent movie.  As far at James Bond movies, this is one of the best.  I loved it and I look forward to seeing it again during those James Bond marathons a few years from now.  I look forward to seeing what Daniel Craig does next and sort of wish they’d just let him remake all of them starting with “Dr. No.” 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Stuff’s Gonna ‘Splode

There is one law about being a man that people should realize and that law would be that men love stuff that goes boom.  Now, I am actually not talking about anything of a sexual nature here.  The simple fact is that men tend to love things that explode.  Also, for the most part, men all go through a period as children where they want to blow things up.   

I make this point simply because I recently found a website with clips of nothing but buildings, bridges and smokestacks being demolished.  For those of us who have always had a thing for making other things go boom this has to be the coolest job ever.  Yes, you can have rock stars and movie stars and whatever other kind of stars but the guy who can hit a button and cause an building to go down and then get paid for it has to be some kind of star.   

There is just something very cool about the whole thing.  Yes, I know, there are also tragic demolitions and certain events in the not-too-distant past seemed to resemble one of these demolition explosions.  I know that.  I am also willing to concede that it is now far enough in the past that I can, at the very least, now once again sit in amazement at the site of old and abandoned buildings being brought down in that slow-motion descent followed by dust.   

Apparently in
China they just set a record, too, at least that’s what this particular website claims.  They brought down sixteen buildings at once.  The video for this has to be one of the coolest I have ever seen.  Sixteen old apartment buildings in a small cluster all slowly falling to the side like gigantic dominoes is truly something to behold.  Seeing the other camera angles where you see just how tiny these buildings were compared to the newer buildings around it makes you understand why this had to be done. 

Of course what is amazing is that things within this industry don’t go wrong more often.  It does happen and that usually gets shown on television.  Still, considering these are people planting explosives all around a building and hoping that they have done so just right and in a way that will bring down tons of concrete and steel and brick without hurting anyone.  How this happens as often as it does without killing more people is beyond me.  The amount of training that goes into this job is staggering. 

On the site I visited they showed the demolition in
China.  One of the buildings did not go down.  They said that not enough explosives had been properly distributed throughout the building.  Who gets to go in there and figure that out?  Who gets to go into a building that is partially exploded and walk around and try to place more explosives so the rest of the building goes down?  It has to be the guy lowest on the company totem pole, right?  They send the intern in there or something, right?  I know I would. 

This is why men love movies that most women just scratch their heads and shrug their shoulders and roll their eyes about.  By the way, women, that’s really rude, but more importantly you just don’t understand.  There is something deep inside us that craves the violence.  There is nothing more violent than stuff exploding.  If I were to run an HD television channel I would, in addition to running the station with the sunrises, have a station that just showed stuff exploding and imploding.  Buildings descending in slow motion in high-def would be pretty impressive.  Mushroom clouds from nuclear tests could be run an entire week during sweeps. 

I know that loving violence is wrong.  I know that there is real violence in the world and it is a very tragic and terrible thing.  I know that stuff exploding in any way that is destructive in a way that harms people is bad.  However, watching it on screen in a fictional presentation is just awesome.  If there was a movie without any plot and was just one building and thing exploding after another, in 3-D, with surround sound, on a big screen, it would be one of the biggest blockbusters ever. 

There are certain movies that are perfect for this.  “The Last Boy Scout” is one of those movies.  This is a movie where you need to prepare for watching by finding yourself a scalpel and some kind of saw.  First, cut a big circle around the top of you head.  Use the saw to then but a circle around the top of your skull.  Then entire use a screwdriver or have a friend remove the top of your skull and remove your brain.  You are now in the perfect state to watch the most illogical and idiotic movie to star Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans.   

This is a movie that has guns and people getting shot and thrown off of highway overpasses.  Somehow none of the heroes manage to die or even get seriously hurt in a way that stops them from running or punching people or shooting or riding horses.  Then, at the end, just when you are breathless and wondering how a movie could be this utterly stupid and yet so exhilarating, something blows up.  Now that is movie cinema gold right there. 

I am not one who believes that a movie should enlighten you for having watched it.  For me, any movie that can allow me to shut off my brain or even lapse into a coma and I can still follow the thread of the storyline is just fine.  I like the occasional profound movie, sure, but there is nothing like having a bunch of stuff blow up. 

I think this may be something in our DNA.  I think maybe it starts when we are kids.  That particular gene kicks in the first time you watch a “Road-Runner” cartoon.  As soon as you see the coyote blow himself up and then stand there as a smoking ruin but still spry enough to chase after the Road Runner again that gene kicks and you start looking for things to tie to bottle-rockets.   

I remember when I was forced to play an instrument called the recorder when I was in grammar school.  This is a horrible instrument that serves no particular purpose as far as I can see.  I went to a grammar school where every kid was handed one of these horrible devices and we had to spend hours learning how to play them.  The worst was then playing the stupid tunes we had to learn for our teachers.  It was awful.  It lasted until about seventh grade, I believe, and then you were no longer required to play the damn thing.   

What did I do as soon as I didn’t need mine anymore?  You had better believe I took it into the backyard and stuffed some firecrackers into the thing.  Was watching that horrid, miserable, awful-sounding hunk of spit-covered plastic explode into a million pieces about the finest moment of my young life?  You had better believe it was. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in both print and ebook format at his website www.bryanalspa.com and www.amazon.com.