Attack of the Big Giant Head

I feel I need to do a lot of qualifying in this particular rant.  There are a few things I think need to be gotten straight and kept straight in everyone’s head before I can proceed.  There are some things going on in the media and on television over the past few days and, to be honest with you, it’s really hard to pick a villain in this scenario.  Yet, despite this fact and despite the rather obnoxious and potentially villainous demeanor and manner of other key elements of this story one giant enormous head has come screeching to an ear-splitting pitch and made me want to stab myself in the eyes with a letter-opener. 

FACT:  I think Donald Trump is a self-aggrandizing, no-talent, no-taste moron with the worst hairstyle of this or any century and I am including the ones back in Medieval times when there were no hairstylists.  He is constantly broke and yet always coming back.  When you dig you find he really does nothing more than lend his name to things and then self-promote the hell out of them.  He really has little controlling interest in the things he runs around acting like he runs.  Everything he has he claims is the best and the most fantastic and most wonderful.  However, having seen what passes for his home on one episode of that dismal show “The Apprentice” I can say that you would feel more homey sleeping on the marble floor of the
Field
Museum in
Chicago.  Still, he is not the villain in this tale. 

FACT:  The Miss USA pageant somehow manages to be less-classy than the Miss America pageant.  It is a pageant that at least had the decency to act like what a pageant should be and that is females parading around in skimpy outfits and looking sexy.  Miss
America wants to pass itself off as somehow more-classy by offering scholarships and changing the swimsuit competition and whether or not the women are barefoot of wear heels.  As if bare feet or heels makes a difference.  Still, it was almost laughable how the world and the entertainment “media” acted like it was the end of the world or a scandal on par with Watergate when the current Miss USA was nearly “dethroned” because of her partying.  Most men were probably like me and just wanted to see the pictures of her kissing Miss Teen USA which she was supposedly accused of doing.  Still, even this pageant, the notion of entertainment “media” or the fact that “The Donald” had to bend down like some self-appointed king and offer her clemency is the villain in this piece.  Of course, now, once some of the pictures were seen, Donald then REVERSED his decision and “terminated” her.  I have no idea what this means about her rehab 

FACT:  Rosie O’Donnell has a big giant fat head with a big giant flapping mouth and big giant flapping lips flapping over big giant scary teeth and a big giant annoying voice to top it all of in one big giant, flapping, scary, annoying package. 

I was so glad when Rosie stopped her show.  I hated her voice and the fact that everyone seemed to be laughing themselves into fits over jokes that were stale five years before she said them.  I hated her attempt to turn that one magazine into her own version of the Oprah magazine.  I was glad when that didn’t work either.  I, for one, hoped she might just retire somewhere and never be seen again except maybe on occasional attempts to revive “The Hollywood Squares.” 

Who the hell made her the one who could suddenly pass judgment on the morals and values of everyone else in
Hollywood?  Why does she suddenly feel she needs to step in and decide that whatever Donald does is beneath contempt but whatever she says and does somehow smells perfect and turns lead into gold?  Why does she get to tell people like Britney and Lindsay that they should come to her for help? 

Rosie seems to be a bit pent up these days.  It is as if the time off she took between when her self-titled show ended and her time on The View started she has just had to bite her tongue.  She apparently has bit it so much that everything behind her vocal chords has caused some kind of verbal constipation and The View has become some kind of laxative that has now allowed her to shoot verbal diarrhea all over the airwaves.  She used to criticize Howard Stern for his brand of broadcasting but I find everything Rosie has done lately infinitely more offensive, obnoxious and annoying that anything Howard ever did. 

First she had the nerve to attack Kelly Ripa for the strange events that transpired between her and Clay Aiken.  I forget the exact nature of the argument but Rosie somehow felt that something Kelly said (oh, right, about not knowing where Clay’s hand had been when he clamped it over her mouth, rather rudely) was homophobic.  As if on planet Rosie anything about hygiene directed at anyone who may or may not be homosexual is a direct attack on that community.  What about the fact that clamping your hands over someone’s mouth is rude and annoying?  Such things do not matter to Madam Rosie the giant flapping head when she perceives that maybe someone might have said something that may be misconstrued as homophobic as long as you also happen to be clinically insane.  What planet is she from? 

She amazes me.  She is a miracle of nature.  She has the nerve to make fun of Donald’s hair.  Of course, Donald’s hair is also a miracle of nature and hairspray but, really Rosie, heal thine own tresses before thou cast stones ‘pon the tresses of others.  You who once went so butch that you made others who are proudly butch want to wear long-haired wigs.  Right now your hair looks like a slightly-longer version of Mike Ditka.  It is obvious you take tips from him because you just pretty much brush it back of your giant enormous flapping forehead. 

So, exactly why she felt that this was an area where she should step in and comment and declare what she feels should be the way things should go.  I sort of feel sorry for the rest of the cackling hens on that show she is on.  It must be hard to get a word in edgewise when you have someone as giant and flapping and annoying and used to getting her own way on things.  Not that the rest of them have ever really had anything to say.  Apparently Star Jones was so intimidated by the other giant flapping head moving in she felt she needed to get out of there. 

So, I don’t really know what happened with Miss
USA.  I think she probably partied like a lot of young women do.  They see Britney and they see Lindsay and they think that maybe it’s OK.  I already talked about dumb stars being poor role models.  At the same time large, flapping-headed, fat-lipped, bad-haired women flapping their fat flapping gums in screeching annoying voices as if they were intelligent or possessed a shred of actual talent are also very bad role models.  In fact, it would be my assertion no one you see on television should be anyone’s role model.
Writers, on the other hand, I am sure they make fantastic role models. 

 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format on his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.