2006: A Look Back

2006 was quite a year.  Yes, quite a year.  If you are anything like me then you are probably standing here at the end of the year and looking back and saying, “When the hell did this happen?  How the hell did I get here?  What the hell happened?”  Christmas has just passed and that means New Years is right in the viewfinder.  I am not a fan of New Years Eve.  I have no plans this year after spending the last couple of years working at a radio station on New Years Eve.  I loved working New Years Eve at the radio station.  It was more fun than being in a crowd somewhere celebrating the descent of some usually-round-shaped-object. 

But it is now the time to look back at the year that was.  Being one who loves to make lists, I thought this would be a great way to make yet another one. 

January started out full of hope but is probably best remembered by those who follow world events as the month that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had a massive stroke.  To those who don’t follow world politics and just like to panic about things there was still the world-wide one going on about bird flu.  It was also the month where a South Korean scientist was shown to have lied about cloning a human.  Meanwhile in
Iraq things continued as normal which, of course, means things kept exploding and far too many soldiers and citizens continued to die because of it. 

February arrived and the
United States followed its tradition of forgetting what is going on in the rest of the world and focused on what’s really important: The Super Bowl.  The Steelers of Pittsburgh manage to beat the Seahawks of Seattle 21-10 in a very boring game that does little to make anyone look forward the game the following year.  Meanwhile a passenger ferry in Egypt sank in the
Red Sea taking a lot of people right down with it.  The Grammy Awards are held and U2 manages to win “Most Smug and Superior Lead Singer” of the year awards along with several others.  Also, the Winter Olympics starts and my house gets excited but Bryant Gumbel makes stupid comments about how boring these events are compared the infinitely more-boring “March Madness” of the following month. 

In March the first World Baseball Classic starts and proves that you can take America’s past-time, make it global and the
U.S. will immediately lose interest in it.  The
U.S. team is eliminated rather quickly but other parts of the world actually do seem to care about this contest.  Japan ends up beating
Cuba in the Championship and winning the thing.  The Academy Awards are held and there is much buzz and uncomfortable conversation among men about the movie “

Brokeback
Mountain.”  It wins best picture despite every male saying he has never seen, nor will be ever see, this particular movie event though there’s nothing wrong with it, really.   

Come April Ariel Sharon, despite being in a coma for four months, is finally officially removed from office.  Many in the
United States wonder when George Bush, obviously in some kind of stupor at the very least, will follow suit.  The President of Iran announces to the world that
Iran has produced enriched uranium.  He then goes on to declare that the sun is actually the moon and that the color blue is actually a more-pleasant shade of pink.  Zacarias Moussaoui is sentenced to life in prison and this greatly reduces the value of his martyr trading cards.  Also, little-known writer Bryan W. Alaspa decides he might like to start freelance writing in his spare time and starts blogging. 

May dawned and people continued to protest immigration laws by staging something called The Great American Boycott.  Considering no one can remember exactly what this was its effect is obviously staggering.  A number of miners are trapped in
Australia.  After 14 torturous days underground two miners of the fourteen trapped, Todd Russell and Brant Webb are rescued.  A huge earthquake hits Java in
Indonesia and 6,000 people are estimated to have been killed. 

June started with the revelation of a terrorist ring being broken up in Toronto with allegations the group was planning to blow up targets in and around
Toronto.  The United States is once again forced to admit that
Canada exists.  Notorious terrorist Abu Masab al-Zarqawi and seven of his helpers are killed in an air-raid in
Iraq.  The World Cup starts.  Most of the
United States yawns and wonders what else is on television.  The Miami Heat wins the NBA Championship and people like me who hate the NBA continue to watch baseball.  Also, the Carolina Hurricanes beat the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup and three people notice.  Two of them are Canadian and one is my friend in
St. Louis.  Even the players on both teams are disinterested and when asked why they are celebrating they reply “we were just told this was, finally, the last damn game of the season!”  This happens on June 19.  June 20^th, the next season of the NHL starts. 

In July Kim Jong Il steps up and shocks much of the world by launching 7 missiles including a long-range missile that is called the Taepodong-2.  Everyone in the world immediately laughs at the name of the missile. 
Italy wins the FIFA World Cup in overtime on penalty kicks.  Something finally interesting happens during a match when French Team player Zinedine Zidane head-butts Italian player Materazzi.  This immediately goes up on YouTube and played countlessly even by people who have no idea what the World Cup is. 
St. Louis gets hit by two huge derechos (fancy meteorologist-speak for “windstorm”) within three days.  Friends immediately send e-mails and pictures to Bryan W. Alaspa who is terrified of bad weather and storms to further add to his collection of weather-related nightmares.  Floyd Landis wins the Tour De France and almost immediately is accuse of doping when he fails, appropriately enough, a doping test.   

August starts off with the comforting news of massive arrests in
England of potential terrorists who have binary compounds disguised as sports drinks that they plan to use to blow up dozens of aircraft at once.  All liquids are immediately banned on flights everywhere.  August is also the month where the Milky Way Galaxy loses a planet when the parameters of what constitutes a planet are changed by something called the International Astronomical Union.  While also winning an award for “Most Pretentious Sounding Organizational Name” it makes Pluto essentially a large snowball and demotes it from planet.   

In September Andre Agassi, and his hair (or lack thereof these days), retires from tennis.  Pope Benedict makes a speech in
Germany where he states that Islam is a religion that promotes violence.  Islam immediately responds that this is not true by violently protesting and making threats of violence as proof that they are not, in fact, violent.  The Pope attempts to hold up a dictionary to point out the word “irony” to the Islamic world but it is largely ignored due to the violence.  Spinach was found contaminated with E. Coli which prompts many children to collectively yell “See!” to their parents.  The Superdome in
New Orleans reopens after the disaster of Hurricane Katrina when the Saints play.  Also, Representative Mark Foley is forced to resign when explicit e-mails are found wherein he sexually harasses an underage male page.  The Republicans do all they can to disavow Foley and try to plant incriminating Democratic evidence in his home. 

October opens sadly when tragedy strikes in the Amish community in
Pennsylvania when five young women are killed in a one-room schoolhouse.  Charles Carl Roberts is the gunman and the reasons for his rampage are confusing and profoundly sad.   Meanwhile just to add comfort to the world who thought the Cold War was over
North Korea announces it has successfully conducted its first-ever nuclear test.  Google buys YouTube for 1.65 billion dollars which causes the rest of the world to wonder exactly when the world is going to end because this HAS to be a sign of the Apocalypse.  The
St. Louis Cardinals manage to win the World Series despite winning under 100 games during the regular season.  Even diehard sports fans such as myself collectively yawn.  Bob Barker announces he will retire from The Price is Right which has been running successfully in one form or another since Ancient Egypt.  John Kerry makes a stupid joke (he says) that manages to tick off everyone who is currently wearing or had once worn a military uniform.  The Democrats wonder if they can box Kerry up and store him somewhere until after the mid-term elections. 

November opens with the announcement from the magazine “Science” that 90% of marine life will be extinct by 2048.  By November 3 Saddam Hussein and two if his senior aides are sentenced to death by hanging under the charge of crimes against humanity and having a poorly groomed beard.  The mid-term elections are held and the Democrats win back both the House and Senate.  George Bush announces he was just kidding all along about Donald Rumsfeld and he “resigns” almost immediately.  Al Jazeera launches and English-language counterpart.  Many protest but some just want to go to the website and watch the thing to see what the hubbub is since you can’t see it on cable anywhere just yet.  Michael Richards launches a racist tirade at a comedy club causing many to wonder exactly when Michael Richards suddenly decided he was a stand-up comic.   

Finally, December comes and the year finally comes to an end.  The President continues to ignore the special study about
Iraq.  Rush Limbaugh continues to bluster and blather and other conservatives attempt to pretend everything is going great over there if the media would just stop showing the hundreds of dead people being blown to bits while trying to get to work or the market.  By December 13 the Chinese River Dolphin is officially declared extinct.  U.S. Senator Tim Johnson suffers a stroke and undergoes emergency surgery causing worries about the balance of power in the Senate.  A Libyan court sentences give Bulgarian nurses and a Palestinian doctor to death for knowingly infecting hundreds of Libyan children with HIV.  Fighting breaks out between Palestinian groups within
Palestine. 
Israel sighs and watches waiting to see if the two sides will, essentially, destroy each other.  On Christmas the Godfather of Soul and the Hardest Working Man in showbiz, James Brown, dies of heart failure due to complications with pneumonia.   

Thus was the year that was.  In there somewhere were also things like the death of the Crocodile Hunter and the release of the
Iraq study that George W. continues to ignore.  Things got worse in a place known as Darfur in Africa and in
Iraq.  All in all, it was a year most would probably agree it’s best that it just ends.  So, now we look forward to 2007.  Hopefully little-known writer Bryan W. Alaspa will finally get an offer from a newspaper or magazine either online or in print to write these columns for them and get paid so-as to make all of the effort a little more worthwhile. 

If you want to start 2007 out right you can buy Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust which is available in print and eBook form at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Attack of the Big Giant Head

I feel I need to do a lot of qualifying in this particular rant.  There are a few things I think need to be gotten straight and kept straight in everyone’s head before I can proceed.  There are some things going on in the media and on television over the past few days and, to be honest with you, it’s really hard to pick a villain in this scenario.  Yet, despite this fact and despite the rather obnoxious and potentially villainous demeanor and manner of other key elements of this story one giant enormous head has come screeching to an ear-splitting pitch and made me want to stab myself in the eyes with a letter-opener. 

FACT:  I think Donald Trump is a self-aggrandizing, no-talent, no-taste moron with the worst hairstyle of this or any century and I am including the ones back in Medieval times when there were no hairstylists.  He is constantly broke and yet always coming back.  When you dig you find he really does nothing more than lend his name to things and then self-promote the hell out of them.  He really has little controlling interest in the things he runs around acting like he runs.  Everything he has he claims is the best and the most fantastic and most wonderful.  However, having seen what passes for his home on one episode of that dismal show “The Apprentice” I can say that you would feel more homey sleeping on the marble floor of the
Field
Museum in
Chicago.  Still, he is not the villain in this tale. 

FACT:  The Miss USA pageant somehow manages to be less-classy than the Miss America pageant.  It is a pageant that at least had the decency to act like what a pageant should be and that is females parading around in skimpy outfits and looking sexy.  Miss
America wants to pass itself off as somehow more-classy by offering scholarships and changing the swimsuit competition and whether or not the women are barefoot of wear heels.  As if bare feet or heels makes a difference.  Still, it was almost laughable how the world and the entertainment “media” acted like it was the end of the world or a scandal on par with Watergate when the current Miss USA was nearly “dethroned” because of her partying.  Most men were probably like me and just wanted to see the pictures of her kissing Miss Teen USA which she was supposedly accused of doing.  Still, even this pageant, the notion of entertainment “media” or the fact that “The Donald” had to bend down like some self-appointed king and offer her clemency is the villain in this piece.  Of course, now, once some of the pictures were seen, Donald then REVERSED his decision and “terminated” her.  I have no idea what this means about her rehab 

FACT:  Rosie O’Donnell has a big giant fat head with a big giant flapping mouth and big giant flapping lips flapping over big giant scary teeth and a big giant annoying voice to top it all of in one big giant, flapping, scary, annoying package. 

I was so glad when Rosie stopped her show.  I hated her voice and the fact that everyone seemed to be laughing themselves into fits over jokes that were stale five years before she said them.  I hated her attempt to turn that one magazine into her own version of the Oprah magazine.  I was glad when that didn’t work either.  I, for one, hoped she might just retire somewhere and never be seen again except maybe on occasional attempts to revive “The Hollywood Squares.” 

Who the hell made her the one who could suddenly pass judgment on the morals and values of everyone else in
Hollywood?  Why does she suddenly feel she needs to step in and decide that whatever Donald does is beneath contempt but whatever she says and does somehow smells perfect and turns lead into gold?  Why does she get to tell people like Britney and Lindsay that they should come to her for help? 

Rosie seems to be a bit pent up these days.  It is as if the time off she took between when her self-titled show ended and her time on The View started she has just had to bite her tongue.  She apparently has bit it so much that everything behind her vocal chords has caused some kind of verbal constipation and The View has become some kind of laxative that has now allowed her to shoot verbal diarrhea all over the airwaves.  She used to criticize Howard Stern for his brand of broadcasting but I find everything Rosie has done lately infinitely more offensive, obnoxious and annoying that anything Howard ever did. 

First she had the nerve to attack Kelly Ripa for the strange events that transpired between her and Clay Aiken.  I forget the exact nature of the argument but Rosie somehow felt that something Kelly said (oh, right, about not knowing where Clay’s hand had been when he clamped it over her mouth, rather rudely) was homophobic.  As if on planet Rosie anything about hygiene directed at anyone who may or may not be homosexual is a direct attack on that community.  What about the fact that clamping your hands over someone’s mouth is rude and annoying?  Such things do not matter to Madam Rosie the giant flapping head when she perceives that maybe someone might have said something that may be misconstrued as homophobic as long as you also happen to be clinically insane.  What planet is she from? 

She amazes me.  She is a miracle of nature.  She has the nerve to make fun of Donald’s hair.  Of course, Donald’s hair is also a miracle of nature and hairspray but, really Rosie, heal thine own tresses before thou cast stones ‘pon the tresses of others.  You who once went so butch that you made others who are proudly butch want to wear long-haired wigs.  Right now your hair looks like a slightly-longer version of Mike Ditka.  It is obvious you take tips from him because you just pretty much brush it back of your giant enormous flapping forehead. 

So, exactly why she felt that this was an area where she should step in and comment and declare what she feels should be the way things should go.  I sort of feel sorry for the rest of the cackling hens on that show she is on.  It must be hard to get a word in edgewise when you have someone as giant and flapping and annoying and used to getting her own way on things.  Not that the rest of them have ever really had anything to say.  Apparently Star Jones was so intimidated by the other giant flapping head moving in she felt she needed to get out of there. 

So, I don’t really know what happened with Miss
USA.  I think she probably partied like a lot of young women do.  They see Britney and they see Lindsay and they think that maybe it’s OK.  I already talked about dumb stars being poor role models.  At the same time large, flapping-headed, fat-lipped, bad-haired women flapping their fat flapping gums in screeching annoying voices as if they were intelligent or possessed a shred of actual talent are also very bad role models.  In fact, it would be my assertion no one you see on television should be anyone’s role model.
Writers, on the other hand, I am sure they make fantastic role models. 

 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format on his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Dumb Squad

If you are anything like me, first of all let me give you my condolences, then you were made to feel afraid, very afraid, when you saw Lindsay, Britney and Paris all in the same car together.  The combined brainpower in that vehicle had to equal about one watt and they were behind the wheel of a vehicle that must weigh close to a ton or more.  It certainly made me glad that I did not live anywhere near wherever they were likely driving and puking and endangering pedestrians. 

At some point it must have become cool for young women to be stupid.  I know this is something that has been written about before and by others but it really struck me while I sat there looking at the photograph of those three in a car.  I don’t understand what kind of message this sends to anyone who might be young and also female.  Hell, I wonder what kind of message it sends to anyone anywhere about anything.  These are the people we deem newsworthy?   

The list of the dumb women seems to be getting long all the time.  There is Britney who likes to walk into gas station restrooms barefoot and drive with her infant son on her lap.  There is Paris who says “that’s hot” as though it means something and isn’t annoying.  There is Lindsay who seems to be partying at a rate that makes me wonder if she has some kind of fatal disease and is trying to pack as much drinking into her life as possible before she dies.  There is Jessica Simpson who has made being dumb a career move.  Her sister is Ashlee who probably wouldn’t be able to find her way out of a large paper bag if you left it tilted on its side with opening wide open.  There is Tara Reid who walks around topless and seems to be giving Lindsay a run for her money when it comes to the partying.   

What happens in the lives of these children?  Do their parents just get caught up in it?  Do they either decide to put their kids into the entertainment world or listen to the kid and let them enter the entertainment world and just decide to stop caring about them?  Britney didn’t just decide one day to get photos taken of her getting out of a car with Paris Hilton where you can clearly see her most private or areas.  She had to slowly develop that way.  She must have had potential as a child to be smart.  Somewhere along the way someone must have seen she could sing with some ability and then decided to focus just on that and not the rest of the training the rest of us got.  Somewhere along the way she missed the lesson that one should not wear a skirt so short everyone can see your hoo-hoo without the need of a high-powered lens. 

With
Paris you begin to understand at least part of it.  She was born into wealth.  Nothing breeds idiocy like money.  Yes, sure, I am positive you can point to people who are the exceptions that only prove the rule.  Even Paris’ own sister seems to be just slightly more intelligent and more adjusted in some way than
Paris. 
Paris is like some kind of female Forrest Gump. She just blows on the wind and flits and flirts from one place to another like a feather.  She seems bored with life.  She certainly seemed bored with sex on that infamous tape.  She does not look like a person who you could have a conversation with.  She seems the type who you would ask, “how’s the weather?” and she would reply “whether what?” 

I tend to like women who can hold up their end of the conversation.  To me, at least, a brain is very sexy.  A great conversation can be almost as powerful as a romantic interlude.  On the other hand there seem to be other men who agree that the dumber the better.  As for me, I will stick with women who may actually know what is going on in the world and avoid those who may be stumped about which world they may actually be currently standing on. 

I guess this is a phenomenon to go hand in hand with the craziness gene that seems to have kicked in with the older celebrities these days.  If they aren’t standing on a stage or being pulled over by police to spout hateful things then the celebrities are as dumb as a post and making sex tapes.  Why would anyone who wants to be in the public eye make a sex tape?  Is there a woman alive who thinks that when the man tells her that if they make a tape it will just be for private viewing and will be erased?  Does anyone really think that no matter what that boyfriend will not show that video to about half a dozen friends or post it on the internet?  I should know as I have probably downloaded at least half of the world’s supposedly private sex tapes.  I’m not proud of that fact, just desperately lonely. 

I digress, however.  I guess when you look back throughout history the actual female role models who were intelligent were few and far between.  All too often the women who were strong and smart were mocked in later generations.  Sure, Susan B. Anthony may be a great role model and a smart woman but most men wouldn’t want a calendar of her on their walls.  Despite the fact that most of the men I know are no brainiacs themselves (and I am including myself in this group) they are still the people who are in control of much of the world.  Men being in control of much of the world has not done a damn thing to make the world a better place and yet they still seem to be the ones who control so much of what women think.  Far too many women seem to think that being stupid but just looking like a bimbo is enough to get you somewhere in the world. 

Of course the dumbest woman on the planet has to be Anna Nicole Smith.  She actually fell out of favor with men because she gained weight.  This was a bad move on her part because she wouldn’t be able to find the floor upon stepping out of bed if you judge her from the reality show she used to have.  Granted, she has suffered a great tragedy lately and that should count for something. 

I just want the world of women to know that there are some of us out here who actually want to be able to have a decent conversation every once in a while.  Sure, someone beautiful is great to look at and have fun in the bedroom with but what do you do with the rest of the time?  Do you just play Play Station Three?  You have to be able to talk to someone and that has to be hard to do when they can’t even spell dog. 

So, be careful out there.  If this trend continues the Dumb Squad may just get bigger.  Buses full of dumb bimbette celebrities may be swarming your very streets.  Keep your wits about you.  Keep a lot of shiny things around to distract them with. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale in print and eBook form at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Bond Gets a Shot in the Arm

Just like the movie “Batman Begins” did last year for that flagging franchise the new James Bone film “Casino Royale” gives a stale series a much-needed shot of adrenalin.  This is, without a doubt, the best Bond film I have seen in a long time.  For those of you who were worried about Daniel Craig taking over the role, you don’t have to worry because he could be the best Bond yet and, yes, I am even factoring in Sean Connery. 

I am a James Bond fan.  I can’t help it.  In my family the James Bond movies were always watched whenever they were on television.  To this day, whenever AMC or one of the other cable channels has the Bond marathons, I am glued to the television nearly ever night.  Yes, some of them are fairly dreadful (“Moonraker”) but most of them are a lot of fun.  In fact, even the bad ones are fun.   

There was a big flap raised when Craig was picked to be the next bond.  He wasn’t tall enough and he’s blond.  The thing is he is EXACTLY what this movies needed and what this franchise needed.  He is real.  He is also probably the best-built Bond of any of them.  He looks like a guy who could kick your ass. 

This Bond goes back to the beginning.  We see James make his second kill to get his Double-O rating in the pre-credit sequence.  This is a James Bond unlike what we have seen before.  He is raw.  He is new to this.  He makes mistakes.  He is reckless and arrogant.  He doesn’t even regularly drink martinis.  Also, he is utterly and completely ruthless.  This Bond is a stone-cold killer.  He doesn’t kill his enemies cleverly and then make a witty retort.  He drowns them in sinks and shoots them right in the face. 

Bond’s mission is to take down Le Chiffre.  Le Chiffre is a man who is the financial wizard for terrorist organizations from around the world.  This is a villain who does not live in some gigantic island base or underwater in some base that rises from the ocean depths.  He has a fairly fancy yacht but that’s about it.  He is the man who takes care of the money for terrorist organizations from around the world.  He invests the money and makes it available to them anywhere on the planet.  He also, occasionally, has to create a terrorist act of his own in order to ensure that his investments pay-off. 

When James disrupts one of his activities he finds himself in a bit of debt.  With terrorists, you don’t want to tick them off by telling them you have lost their money.  Le Chiffre has an ace up his sleeve, almost literally.  He loves to play poker and he is very good at playing poker.  So, if he can win a high-stakes game at the infamous Casino Royale, he can make back the money he lost plus more.   

This is where James comes in.  He is given his Double-O status and then backed by MI:6 and sent to Casino Royale to beat him in poker.  He is to bankrupt Le Chiffre and thereby disrupt the finances of countless terrorist organizations across the globe.  Of course, they also know that Le Chiffre will probably not be long for this earth once the people he is supposed to be helping find out hey lost all of their money. 

So, yes, this is a movie where the major centerpiece of the movie is a card game.  In the original Ian Fleming novel it was baccarat.  They have made it a little more modern by making this card game Texas Hold ‘Em.  They manage to make even this very exciting.  Who would imagine watching men playing cards could be exciting?   It’s tense.  It builds.  You’ll gasp.  You’ll cheer.  Man, this was a good movie. 

The opening sequence, right after the credits, is a chase scene that you will just have to see to believe.  The price of admission is worth it just for this scene alone.  I have no idea who the actor is who plays the man Bond is chasing but this guy, or his stunt double, can do some of the most amazing acrobatics I have ever seen.  This scene goes on for a long time and not a single moment of it is wasted.  Is it realistic?  Hell no, but damn it is exciting.  They jump off of giant cranes and up and down a building under construction.  This is one of the best chase scenes in any Bond film ever. 

This is a stripped-down Bond.  There is no “Q.”  Judi Dench is back as “M.”  It’s not that there are NO gadgets, but there is no pen that shoots missiles or a car that can somehow turn invisible to the naked eye.  There are cell phones with tracking devices and an implant in the arm that allows Bond to call home for help.  Beyond that the only thing Bond needs are his fists and his gun complete with silencer. 

This Bond is brutal.  He has bloody knuckles when he’s done fighting.  He gets hurt.  He even falls in love.  Yes, there are Bone women.  There are two of them, actually.  Caterina Murino is the wife of one of Le Chiffre’s associates who ends up in Bond’s bed.  The second is Evan Green who plays Vesper Lynd and she is the one who is supposed to provide the money for Bond’s game should he go through the original ten million she provides.  She also steals Bond’s heart.  Then…well, you’ll just have to see it to find out. 

This is a Bond story that manages to take you back to the old days while also reminding you of more modern spy stories like the Bourne movies.  In fact, I have a feeling a lot of the action was inspired in some way by those movies.  We don’t need a bond with a rocket pack anymore.  However, a Bond who can use his fists and a gun better than anyone will work just fine, thank you. 

If there is one complaint I have about this movie is that it is a tad too long.  There is a long sequence near the end where you kind of wish they would have tightened things up a bit.  It’s nice to see Bond have a tender moment or two but it shouldn’t drag on quite as long as it does. 

This is a very good movie.  It is an excellent movie.  As far at James Bond movies, this is one of the best.  I loved it and I look forward to seeing it again during those James Bond marathons a few years from now.  I look forward to seeing what Daniel Craig does next and sort of wish they’d just let him remake all of them starting with “Dr. No.” 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

In Case You’ve Been Wondering What O.J. Has Been Up To

I had originally planned to write about a show that has taken me by surprise by being of excellent quality.  It’s nice when that kind of thing happens mostly because it has been so rare as of late.  There was a time when you might find multiple shows that were pretty good.  Of course that may have been when I was about ten years old so it’s hard to say if I had any real taste considering I was still watching cartoons on Saturday morning.  Anyway, I had wanted to recommend a show to people because I have been taken by surprise by this particular show.  However, the Fox network showed a commercial for something that almost knocked me on the floor. 

You are probably aware of the Fox network.  I remember when Fox officially became a network.  There was a time when David Letterman would talk about the Fox network and then laugh in fake hysterical laughter.  This was back when Fox was showing things like “Married…With Children” and a bunch of shows about autopsying aliens.  Of course that also made Fox famous.  It was Fox who was willing to put on just about any show that anyone pitched at them.  We all remember the various “When Things Attack” phase of the network.   

Since that originally time the network has managed to put on some quality shows and made itself a major network force to be reckoned with.  “The X-Files” is a good example of that.  The thing about that show, however, at least with me, is I find I have no desire to watch them in syndication.  Fox also now has shows like “House” and “Prison Break” which are also quality shows in my opinion.  Finally the show has always been the best place to find the funniest animated shows ever.  “The Simpsons” has to hold the record as being the longest-running and yet consistently-funny show in television.  I am also a huge fan of “Family Guy” and “American Dad.” 

It seems, however, that Fox just cannot get fully away from the days when it would show pictures of bears attacking old women or whatever.  I saw a commercial for a show entitled, and I swear to you I am not kidding, “O.J. Simpson: If I had Done it, this is How it was Done.”  Having just written that I actually had to pause, rub my eyes comically, and then stare again at what I had just written.  I kept waiting for it to be a joke when I watched the commercial.  I kept waiting for the punch-line.  I kept wondering when it would be revealed to be some kind of “Punk’d” show or “MadTV.”  For all I know this will still turn out to be a joke.  O.J. Simpson did have a show you could get on Pay-Per-View where he did practical jokes. 

So, judging from the commercial, O.J. is going to sit there and in some weird Bizzarro World interview act like he didn’t commit the murders but then explain how he would have committed them if he had.  In addition to having sore eyes from the rubbing I just gave myself a headache with that explanation.  Here’s the thing that O.J. needs to keep in mind: we all know you did it and we always have. 

It seems a silly thing considering what has happened since O.J. had the entire country held in its thrall.  September 11, 2001 was still years away.  It is amazing to think that there was a simpler time when we didn’t live in fear and weren’t at war and an ex-football player who had killed his wife and an innocent waiter could hold our attention.   

Like a lot of people I got fairly caught up in the thing.  I was on the air at a college radio station when the whole slow chase thing was going on.  I was getting phone calls from people wanting to update me on what was going on. I figured O.J. was going to shoot himself in the head inside that Bronco but that didn’t happen.  No, we had months and months of details and trial shenanigans to endure yet. 

Like a lot of people, I was also surprised that he was found not guilty.  One thing that people often forget when people are found that is that they are not declared “innocent.”  All they say is you are “not guilty” which is a bit of semantics and splitting-hairs but it is important.  Essentially “not guilty” means that the prosecution hasn’t presented enough of a case to show that you are guilty. 

What was always interesting to me was that O.J. claimed he had cut his hand by breaking a glass when he was here in
Chicago at a hotel.  I knew where the hotel was that he was supposed to be staying at when he was here.  I used to drive past it all the time.  I remember when cops were combing the area around the hotel looking for the knife. 

I wonder what O.J. is going to say during this particular television special.  It seems amazing to me that he is going to say anything in particular.  Of course he isn’t going to just admit that he did it.  At the same time he is going to give his theories on how someone could get away with that kind of murder.  Apparently this is what all of his independent investigating has dug up for him.  Remember when he said he was going to devote his time to finding Nicole’s killer and then went golfing?  Apparently he found some evidence on the ninth hole. 

Of course Fox is showing this during the sweeps period that comes every November.  More than likely people will tune it.  At the very least it will be nice to visit and remember a time when you didn’t have to worry if the guy who lives across the street was a terrorist.  It was such a kinder, gentler time when you just had to worry about ex-football stars lopping your head off with a giant knife. 

It is also a throwback to a simpler time when the Fox network was showing specials about people autopsying alien bodies.  It was a nice time to remember when you could turn on Fox and see animals attacking children.  If only for nostalgic purposes this show may be worth watching.As for me, I remember the O.J. trial because of one phrase a friend of mine named Pat once said on a radio talk show.  Back then Pat and his brother and some friends would call this local night-time radio talk show and see if they could get on the air posing as legit callers and then fill their statements with inside jokes.  The goal was to see how long you could remain on the air with ridiculous sounds going on in the background or silly noises or strange phrases being thrown out.  It was funny.  Pat, however, called in once about O.J. and may have said one of the funniest sentences I have ever heard. 

“I think when the DA and the LAPD get the DNA tests back they’re going to see it was O.J.’s fault those people were DOA, do you agree with me?” 

Yes, I do, Pat.  Yes, I do. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Craziness Disease Continues

Not long ago I wrote about how celebrities seem to be coming down with some kind of craziness disease.  At the time I focused more on the movie and television stars.  I believe I also mentioned Madonna and her apparent decision to shop for children as though she were shopping for groceries.  However, mostly I was talking about movie stars.  It’s nice to know that the craziness disease has also expanded to our musical stars.
Of course Kanye West has been showing signs of being a little nuts for a while now.  How anyone could forget his tirade shortly after Hurricane Katrina that left Mike Myers looking as though he were about to be run down by a speeding train is beyond me.  Yes, George Bush may not care about black people, but I am not entirely sure a telethon designed to help people suffering from a natural disaster is the place to air those particular grievances. 

A lot of people like Kanye.  He is particularly popular around here in the
Chicago area.  He grew up on the south side of
Chicago and he’s become a kind of hometown hero.  We had to have one to make up for the whole R. Kelly disaster.  When you back the wrong horse you generally immediately look for another horse to back.  When the horse you backed turns out to be whizzing on young girls you really have to consider looking for another thoroughbred.  Kanye seemed like a decent horse to back.  He has talent.  He has charisma.  He hasn’t been caught throwing bodily fluids upon teenagers.  He does, however, seem to have a problem with his mouth. 

I think a couple of years ago he threw a bit of a fit at another awards ceremony and made some kind of joke about having a big celebration planned or something.  Just recently, however, he did it again in
Europe.  Apparently some kind of MTV Europe thing where he lost and immediately jumped on staged and then grabbed the microphone.  What followed was some kind of tirade about how he should have won.  What did this accomplish?  Was it some kind of a joke?  From my understanding his people are trying to pass it off as some kind of joke.  If it is a joke then Andy Kaufman must be the insanity disease that’s been possession the celebrities.  He would have loved that kind of thing. 

It’s nice to know that the insanity hasn’t just infiltrated the rap community.  Of course, it has always been a little evident in the rap community.  How else to explain Public Enemy and that guy they hired who wore the military uniform and said all kinds of things about Jews?  How else to explain the enduring but baffling celebrity of Diddy?   

However, just the other day Faith Hill decided to show that insanity and acting poorly at awards show is not something confined just to the rap community and isn’t just confined to MTV Europe.  If you haven’t seen this video I recommend you get online.  You should probably visit YouTube.  Why?  Because YouTube has everything these days.   

Apparently Faith was up for female country performer of the year.  Along with her was nominated that blond girl who won American Idol a couple of years back and then immediately became a country singer, Carrie Underwood.  Apparently forgetting that every single solitary awards show likes to put cameras on the other nominees she appears to react in a not-very-sporting way when the winner was read as Carrie Underwood.  What did Ms. Hill do?  She threw up her hands, looked disgusted, scrunched her face up and very obviously shouted one word. 

“WHAT?” 

Of course now her people are claiming it was a joke.  They say she was just pretending to act that way.  Then, confusingly, they also said she didn’t realize the camera was on her.  When you see her reaction it was hard to say this was a joke.  She looked royally pissed.  Plus, if she was joking and thought the cameras weren’t on her then who was the joke supposed to be for?  The stagehands?   

Faith Hill’s people say they have spoken to Carrie Underwood’s people.  Carrie says she understands it was a joke.  On the other hand what is Carrie Underwood supposed to say?  She’s like sixteen years old and trying to make it in the music business.  Faith Hill is a powerhouse in the country music world and to try to start some kind of fight would be career suicide for her.  Well, she could always make it in the rap community, think. 

Exactly what has gotten into these people?  Again, I cannot imagine.  If Faith Hill was trying to play some kind of joke why did she execute it so poorly?  What was the point?  Who was it supposed to amuse?  Was she about to launch her career as a stand-up comedian?  What’s the deal with Kanye?  Is he trying to make a break into performance art?   

The fact is I think fame just makes you lose touch.  You forget what’s acceptable and what isn’t.  You surround yourself with people who just say yes to you about everything and tell you how great you are.  You forget that they are just trying to keep their jobs and bask in your reflected glow.  One of the best examples of how this can go horribly wrong is with Elvis.  He was surrounded by a whole gang of people who just wanted to stay employed with Elvis.  That meant if “E” wanted drugs these people would find doctors to prescribe them.  If Elvis wanted to eat gigantic sandwiches made with an entire jar of peanut butter and three pounds of bacon then they got it for him.   

The problem is that if you let it go too long you lose touch entirely and the people around you don’t see it when you are self-destructing.  Of course we all know what happened to Elvis.  He faked his death and got a job working at Burger King in
Michigan.  No, seriously, he died from it. 
I am not saying either Faith or Kanye are going to die form acting like idiots at awards show.  I am just saying it could be a sign that perhaps they are losing touch with reality a bit.  Perhaps they are forgetting what it means to be a regular person and how to act.  If they are doing it in public then what are they doing behind closed doors?  Plus, is what they are doing behind closed doors available at YouTube? 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.