How to Destroy Your Career

This seems to be a theme that has become more and more prominent lately and I have already written twice about the insanity of the celebrities these days.  Just when I think there might be a break in this series of crazy events something else happens and it may be crazier than the first.  I think maybe it was a disease that was always there.  You can look back over the course of movies and celebrities and there are hints that all is not well among those who decide to make a living entertaining us. Back during the silent film era there was a man named “Fatty” Arbuckle.  He was a large man who was huge in silent film comedies at the time.  He was one of the highest-paid actors of his day with a contract of over a million dollars with Paramount Studios.  If you think about it that was back in the early nineteen hundreds so that was a tremendous amount of money.  Anyway, Fatty got himself into trouble when a young actress ended up dead after spending the better part of a weekend with him and a friend.  Arbuckle was accused of crushing the girl while attempting to rape her. 

That was just the start of it.  I am betting back in Shakespeare’s time there were actors who were hugely popular who were also involved in scandals.  Of course, back then, actors were all male and they dressed like women when the roles called for it.  You have to wonder about the mental states of those guys back then. John Wilkes Booth was an actor.  In fact he was one of the most-popular actors of his day.  Just imagine one of the popular young, handsome actors of today walking up and shooting a major world leader.  That was what it was like when Booth did what he did to
Lincoln.  Once again you have an actor doing something crazy. 

I think maybe we see it more these days because everyone and everything has a camera attached to it.  Phones have cameras.  Portable MP3s have cameras and can download pictures.  I bet there are shoes and ties and watches with cameras.  James Bond would look at the things we have with cameras and be amazed were he not entirely fictional.  This means if you do something these days you can pretty much count on the fact that it was probably captured on camera.  Want to hit your kid in the parking lot of the local “big box” store?  You had better believe you will be on camera.  Want to pee in your boss’ coffee?  You had better believe you will be caught on camera.  You combine this with the power and the immediacy of the internet and the popularity of sites like “YouTube” and other sites and you can instantly show the entire planet the embarrassing thing you caught on your necktie camera.  So, whereas at one time if Fatty Arbuckle did something it could take months for it to filter to the middle states now you can get to a computer and see Michael Richards spouting off hateful comments left and right.  In fact you can probably see it minutes, maybe hours, after the incident initially happened.  These days, you make a stupid and idiotic move like that and you can count on most of the world talking about it the next day.   It’s so easy, in fact, I am printing an easy guide.  If you are celebrity looking to be shunned and humiliated in the hopes of getting your own special with Barbara Walters here’s how you can do it: 

1.  Get Famous- first you have to get famous.  Become a movie star.  Get a hit television show.  Become a hugely famous singer.  Do just about anything just so long as it puts your name on most of the lips in
America.

2.  Do Something Public – this would be doing a comedy show or perhaps partying somewhere where you know a lot of people will take pictures.  This way they can post their videos of you taking shot after shot of tequila.  Maybe you want to stand up on the stage of a comedy club even though you’re not a stand-up comedian.  It doesn’t really matter.  Just do it in public so that a lot of people can see you and hear you and report about it later.  Once again, everyone has a camera including the cop who pulled you over so really the thing you would need to worry about is NOT being in public in some way or another.

3.  Immediately Go to Rehab – Once the tape or video hits the internet and then all of the entertainment shows the next day you should immediately declare yourself as having some kind of drinking or drug problem and then check yourself into rehab.  Whether or not this excuses your behavior or just takes away your inhibitions and exposes feelings you normally keep repressed is entirely debatable.  Whether or not this generates any sympathy is debatable.  Just know that by declaring it was the booze or the meth or the vicodin that was doing the talking you can maybe convince yourself you don’t actually think those things you said or that you were not really capable of doing the insane thing you did.

4.  Do an Interview – Find someone the likes of a Barbara Walters or someone from “60 Minutes” and schedule an interview.  Pour out your hearts.  Make a lot of statements like “if you were offended then I apologize” but never actually just say you were wrong and you were sorry.  That way you can turn it around and make it seem like the people who are offended are at fault for not getting your wry, witty and subtle sense of humor.

That’s really all there is to it.  Once you manage to do all of that you can maybe sell a book about your rehab experience.  Who knows, you may have a long and lengthy career in retail waiting for you.  On the other hand you might just end up directing a movie and winning Academy Awards or something. 

Regardless of which just remember there are about five billion other people who all want to be famous.  Therefore, once you have destroyed your career you can count on the fact there will be someone younger, more attractive and better at whatever it is you do to take your place.  The machine feeds itself.  It’s kind of cool in a very creepy way, don’t you think? Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.