The Dumb Squad

If you are anything like me, first of all let me give you my condolences, then you were made to feel afraid, very afraid, when you saw Lindsay, Britney and Paris all in the same car together.  The combined brainpower in that vehicle had to equal about one watt and they were behind the wheel of a vehicle that must weigh close to a ton or more.  It certainly made me glad that I did not live anywhere near wherever they were likely driving and puking and endangering pedestrians. 

At some point it must have become cool for young women to be stupid.  I know this is something that has been written about before and by others but it really struck me while I sat there looking at the photograph of those three in a car.  I don’t understand what kind of message this sends to anyone who might be young and also female.  Hell, I wonder what kind of message it sends to anyone anywhere about anything.  These are the people we deem newsworthy?   

The list of the dumb women seems to be getting long all the time.  There is Britney who likes to walk into gas station restrooms barefoot and drive with her infant son on her lap.  There is Paris who says “that’s hot” as though it means something and isn’t annoying.  There is Lindsay who seems to be partying at a rate that makes me wonder if she has some kind of fatal disease and is trying to pack as much drinking into her life as possible before she dies.  There is Jessica Simpson who has made being dumb a career move.  Her sister is Ashlee who probably wouldn’t be able to find her way out of a large paper bag if you left it tilted on its side with opening wide open.  There is Tara Reid who walks around topless and seems to be giving Lindsay a run for her money when it comes to the partying.   

What happens in the lives of these children?  Do their parents just get caught up in it?  Do they either decide to put their kids into the entertainment world or listen to the kid and let them enter the entertainment world and just decide to stop caring about them?  Britney didn’t just decide one day to get photos taken of her getting out of a car with Paris Hilton where you can clearly see her most private or areas.  She had to slowly develop that way.  She must have had potential as a child to be smart.  Somewhere along the way someone must have seen she could sing with some ability and then decided to focus just on that and not the rest of the training the rest of us got.  Somewhere along the way she missed the lesson that one should not wear a skirt so short everyone can see your hoo-hoo without the need of a high-powered lens. 

With
Paris you begin to understand at least part of it.  She was born into wealth.  Nothing breeds idiocy like money.  Yes, sure, I am positive you can point to people who are the exceptions that only prove the rule.  Even Paris’ own sister seems to be just slightly more intelligent and more adjusted in some way than
Paris. 
Paris is like some kind of female Forrest Gump. She just blows on the wind and flits and flirts from one place to another like a feather.  She seems bored with life.  She certainly seemed bored with sex on that infamous tape.  She does not look like a person who you could have a conversation with.  She seems the type who you would ask, “how’s the weather?” and she would reply “whether what?” 

I tend to like women who can hold up their end of the conversation.  To me, at least, a brain is very sexy.  A great conversation can be almost as powerful as a romantic interlude.  On the other hand there seem to be other men who agree that the dumber the better.  As for me, I will stick with women who may actually know what is going on in the world and avoid those who may be stumped about which world they may actually be currently standing on. 

I guess this is a phenomenon to go hand in hand with the craziness gene that seems to have kicked in with the older celebrities these days.  If they aren’t standing on a stage or being pulled over by police to spout hateful things then the celebrities are as dumb as a post and making sex tapes.  Why would anyone who wants to be in the public eye make a sex tape?  Is there a woman alive who thinks that when the man tells her that if they make a tape it will just be for private viewing and will be erased?  Does anyone really think that no matter what that boyfriend will not show that video to about half a dozen friends or post it on the internet?  I should know as I have probably downloaded at least half of the world’s supposedly private sex tapes.  I’m not proud of that fact, just desperately lonely. 

I digress, however.  I guess when you look back throughout history the actual female role models who were intelligent were few and far between.  All too often the women who were strong and smart were mocked in later generations.  Sure, Susan B. Anthony may be a great role model and a smart woman but most men wouldn’t want a calendar of her on their walls.  Despite the fact that most of the men I know are no brainiacs themselves (and I am including myself in this group) they are still the people who are in control of much of the world.  Men being in control of much of the world has not done a damn thing to make the world a better place and yet they still seem to be the ones who control so much of what women think.  Far too many women seem to think that being stupid but just looking like a bimbo is enough to get you somewhere in the world. 

Of course the dumbest woman on the planet has to be Anna Nicole Smith.  She actually fell out of favor with men because she gained weight.  This was a bad move on her part because she wouldn’t be able to find the floor upon stepping out of bed if you judge her from the reality show she used to have.  Granted, she has suffered a great tragedy lately and that should count for something. 

I just want the world of women to know that there are some of us out here who actually want to be able to have a decent conversation every once in a while.  Sure, someone beautiful is great to look at and have fun in the bedroom with but what do you do with the rest of the time?  Do you just play Play Station Three?  You have to be able to talk to someone and that has to be hard to do when they can’t even spell dog. 

So, be careful out there.  If this trend continues the Dumb Squad may just get bigger.  Buses full of dumb bimbette celebrities may be swarming your very streets.  Keep your wits about you.  Keep a lot of shiny things around to distract them with. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale in print and eBook form at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Visiting Chicago

It’s amazing how things work when you live in a city.  You forget, upon walking past something amazing day after day after day, what it is that brings people from other places to visit the place where you live every day.  It’s only when people from out of town come to visit and then suddenly you can find yourself scrambling to show them what is so cool about your city. 

I had that happen to me recently.  I live in
Chicago.  Now,
Chicago has a lot of truly amazing and great places to visit and show people.  However, when you live here you don’t usually sit here and think about visiting most of them.  Heck, if you’re like me, you hardly set foot downtown unless it’s related to business and you forget where things are and how to get there.  

However, with my friends in town I had to take some time off from work and spend a couple of days being a tour guide.  In a way it was good because it helped me remember why I love this city so much.  Now, the places I am going to talk about and tell you about are the standard touristy things.  I know that.  However, there is a reason things become popular and touristy.  They become that way because they are cool and people talk about them and then the word spreads beyond the border of the city and state and, before too long, you have a guy in Saskatchewan saying that maybe he’d like to go to
Chicago and visit that thing he heard someone talking about.  Just because something is popular with tourists doesn’t mean it still isn’t cool. 

1. 
   Millennium
   Park – this park is all of two years old.  For a long time it seemed like it was just going to suck away money from tax payers and amount to nothing.  Our mayor seemed like he might get himself into trouble with this planned park that seemed to never get built.  Then it opened and everything changed.  This park is very cool.  It’s a great place to go and just hang out.  If I lived and worked downtown I would eat my lunch in this park.  The piece of art known as “The Bean” is cool enough by itself.  Then, just behind you there, you can find the Gehry designed theater where they hold free concerts during the summer.  Gehry also designed the walkway over the
   
   Lake Shore Drive

   .  Finally there are the fountains and monoliths with the faces on it.  During the summer these things shower water down on the tiles and create a kind of reflecting pool and during the winter the monoliths just show these giant faces of real people.  You have to see this to be believed.  You can also sit on a bench, talk, enjoy a meal and look at the most spectacular skyline anywhere.

 

1. The John Hancock Observatory –
   Chicago has two observatories.  One is in the
   Sears
   Tower which is still the tallest building in the
   United States and was once the tallest building in the world.  You are up pretty high and all but, for my money, the John Hancock building at the north end of the downtown area has the better view.  You should go at night and just see the lights.  They have now added an outdoor viewing deck that is open during the summer.  There is a restaurant one floor above the observatory called “The Signature Room” and there is a bar called “The Signature Lounge” right there as well.  The building is very cool and the entire exhibit and observation deck is just cool.  I am telling you, the situation of this building, right over
   
   Michigan Avenue

   , provides views much more spectacular than the

   Sears
   Tower.

 

1. The

   Field
   Museum – This is the museum of natural history.  This is the place to go when you want to see hundred of animals that have been stuffed and put on display.  Right now they are running a very nice exhibit about King Tut.  The King himself is not there but a lot of his family is.  The exhibit itself is very well-made and displayed.  They have another
   Egypt exhibit with mummies and all kinds of mummified animals.  They have Sue the largest and most-complete T. Rex skeleton in the world.  They have the Tsavo lions who were made into a movie called “The Ghost and the Darkness” and they are right on display there for you to see.  This was a museum I dreaded to see as a kid but have grown to appreciate more as an adult.

 

1. The John G. Shedd Aquarium – Right across from the Field is the Shedd Aquarium and a better one you are not likely to find.  There may be some that have some more spectacular exhibits but this one has a view of the lake that is second-to-none.  In fact, before you go in take a walk down the finger of land that extends out in the lake and, at the end of it, is the Adler Planetarium.  Just look back at the city.  This is the best view of the entire skyline bar-none.  You could only get one better by being on a boat in the lake itself.  If you go at night the lights will dazzle you.  Meanwhile the aquarium itself has a very cool Komodo Dragon exhibit running right now.  Even if you don’t get to see that just stick around to see the Beluga whales and the dolphin show.

 

1. The

   Museum of
   Science and Industry – this museum is located well south of downtown but it is worth the cab fare or the drive.  This is a museum that you should plan to spend an entire day at.  It is set far enough away from downtown that they have even put in some great food for you to eat while you are there.  These are exhibits that you interact with.  You can experience what it was like to god down a mineshaft and work in a coal mine.  You can use a flight simulator.  You can see a human head dissected and sliced for you to look at.  You can reach out and touch things.  During the Christmas season you can see Christmas trees from around the world.  At other times the biggest damn electric train set in the world is right in the middle of the thing.  You can also walk through a real World War Two German submarine here. 

 

1. The Art Institute of
   Chicago – One of the finest collections of art you are ever likely to see.  When you want to see where Sloan and Ferris kissed in front of that blue stained glass in “Ferris Bueller” this is the place.  You can see the painting Cameron looks at that is all dots when you look at it closely and then it becomes a solid thing when you pull back. 

 

1. The

   Museum of
   Contemporary Art – This is a brand new museum.  It is back by the John Hanncock building.  This is modern art whereas the Art Institute has more of the classical art.  I am a bit of an art lover so I love just about any art museum.  I am just glad that this city now has at least two great art museums and, since this one is new, I think everyone should support it.

 

We have some of the best restaurants in the world, too, but that is a topic for another time.  This is a great city and we don’t mind you coming to visit.  If you bump into me, maybe I’ll even tell you some of the better stories about this town. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook forms at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Holiday Movie Thing

My original idea was to create another list.  Since the holidays are upon us I figured it would be a good time to write about some of the best holiday movies.  People like lists.  The other lists I wrote seemed to get a decent response.  It creates dialogue, it seems.  People like making suggestions.  As such, I figured holiday movies would be a great topic what with it being the Christmas season. 

However, as I sat down to write I immediately ran into a problem.  The problem is very simple and can be summed up in three words:  holiday movies suck.  Yes, that’s exactly what I am saying.  I tried to come up with a list.  I went for a walk.  I pounded my head against a wall.  What did I end up with?  I got sore feet and a headache. 

I couldn’t come up with a list.  Yes, there are classic films that everyone watches year after year but, really, they aren’t very good movies either, are they?  You only watch them during one time of year.  It’s the time of year when you probably have warm and fuzzy feelings going already.  A lot of people associate the holidays with good memories and some of those memories surround watching certain movies with family members.  All of that suddenly makes “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” suddenly seem like a good movie rather than a poorly-acted, cheesy
Chevy Chase comedy which is what it really is.   

So, here is my list of holiday movies that are heart-warming, funny, and classic: 

A Christmas Story – In my opinion there is nothing better than the story of Ralphie and his family and his attempts to get hold of a Daisy Red Ryder BB Gun with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.  It’s funny and, more importantly, it’s universal.  Yes, the movie is set in about 1940 but the themes mean as much today as it must have back then.  I know in my life that every year there was one toy or one present I looked forward to more than any other.  I would sit there in class and daydream about it.  I would doodle pictures of it on my notebooks.  I would dream of playing with the thing.  Then, when I finally got the chance to play with the gift, normally I was done and bored with it by the end of the day. 

This is a story that brings up nearly every single family holiday goof-up and tradition.  My house too had outlets that were crammed with plugs.  My father wasn’t exactly like the father in the movie but he did love to pick at the turkey my mother would be cooking all day long.  I even had one Christmas where I was longing for a BB gun.  I then proceeded to shoot up the basement of my parent’s house with it. 

The rest of the movies that come out during the holidays just don’t have the same feel to it.  Everyone watches and talks about “It’s a Wonderful Life” but I can’t sit through that movie anymore.  I honestly don’t care much about Zuzu and her petals any longer.  I also hate the idea that every time a bell rings and angel gets its wings and wish Clarence would freeze to death and drown.  Am I cynical?  Probably.  Cantankerous?  Most definitely. 

I watched “Miracle on

34^th Street

” and the remake just like everyone else.  Again, it was mildly amusing the first time I saw it.  Then it rapidly became annoying.  Once again I no longer cared if Santa ended up in the loony bin or not.  I’d rather just see the kid yank on the beard over and over again. 

I guess I still have a soft spot for the Rudolph movie.  Something about that harkens back to my childhood.  Does anyone remember the other Rudolph movie where he had to save the new year?  I remember that one because he had a friend who was a whale and I thought that was really cool. 

I have watched seemingly countless versions of “A Christmas Carol.”  I have to admit I was amused when I first saw the Bill Murray version “Scrooged.”  However, to me, the movie now seems dated.  It’s amazing that at one time having a movie with Bobcat Golthwait didn’t seem like a disaster in the making.  Even as I sat there in the theater I have to say I was thinking that this was not really a very funny movie. 

The problem in recent years is that the quality of these movies has managed to get worse.  Right now there is a movie about two guys who are competing or have problems with the decorations on the other person’s house.  Sounds like the same story that was “Christmas with the Kranks” which was just out last year and completely sucked.  Let’s not forget Ben Affleck’s movie where he tries to live with Tony Soprano or something. 

I blame Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad for this trend.  They did that stupid movie where the two of them run around looking for the hot toy of the season.  I knew it was going to be dumb for a couple of reasons, namely, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad.  Has there ever been a good movie with Sinbad in it?  I don’t think so. 

Of all of the movies I would have to say that the story of Ralphie, his brother, Scut Farkus and the BB Gun is the one I can watch again and again and again.  The great thing is that I can do exactly that because there’s that one cable channel that shows it all day and night on Christmas day.  I still laugh.  Just show me his brother saying “Meat loaf, beat loaf, I hate meat loaf” and I am on the floor dying. 

Beyond that, I have to say that holiday movies, much like holiday songs, have a very short shelf life and that is as it should be.  You can have your “White Christmas” and enjoy them if you want but you can count me out.  I can do without Bing Crosby in my holiday life, thank you very much.  I have no desire to watch that one again.  I saw it once and watched it with this really cute girl back in college.  Unless she is going to show up again to watch it with me, I really don’t care to see it. 

So, I am sure the airwaves will be filled with holiday movies.  There will be women having their lives made wonderful and various adaptations of Scrooge and his ghosts.  They will show the Peanuts kids shopping for that tree.  I will be taking walks in my neighborhood and enjoying the lights.  However, during that marathon, you had better believe I will be watching Ralphie dress up like a giant pink bunny. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is now available in both print and eBook versions at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Cubs Try it Again

The Chicago Cubs have suddenly shown that they may have an actual desire to hold onto the World Series Trophy like the team on the South Side of the city with the signing of Alfonso Soriano.  Normally it seems like the Cubs are content with putting, at best, a mediocre team on the field mostly because the legions of blinded Cubs fans still sell out every home game no matter how far in the basement the team is.  When you can put a bunch of trained weasels on the field doing back-flips and sell out ever ticket why on earth would you want to spend the money to get some decent players? 

A few things seem to have converged to push the Cubs into this decision.  The Tribune Company, which owns the team, has been having a lot of financial trouble as of late.  They have been selling things off left and right.  Many people have been guessing that the Cubs would be on the auction block.  This may not be a bad thing.  Getting the team out of the hands of a soulless corporation that just looks at numbers in maybe into one or two or a group of people who are actual baseball fans could make the team much better.   

Getting a high-powered and big-name player like Soriano probably greatly increases the asking-price for a Chicago Cubs baseball team.  If you were a company looking to make an even bigger score by selling off your hottest property why not get at least one really big name on the list, right?  One thing’s for sure, only the Cubs could do anything that would knock the Chicago Bears off of the front-page of the local
Chicago newspapers. 

There are legions of Cubs fans here.  I don’t think it’s something anyone else in any other city can really understand.  Sure, Boston Red Sox fans like to think they had a hard time with a team that couldn’t win a World Series.  The thing about the Cub is that they haven’t even BEEN to a World Series since 1945.  At least the Red Sox got the invitation and got into the dance a few times.   

The problem now is whether or not Soriano can avoid the curse of the talented player that seems to befall every single good player that ends up in a Chicago Cubs uniform.  We have a knack in this neck of the woods of bringing hugely talented players to the sports teams and then sitting there in slack-jawed amazement as they completely suck and can’t do a damn thing correctly.  Remember Nomar Garciaparra?  He was doing great things in
Boston when he came to the Cubs.  Before long he was on the bench with a leg injury and there was talk that his entire career might be over.  Then he ends up on the West Coast and has a great year. 

Chicago is a sports city where that kind of thing happens a lot.  It used to happen on the other side of town as well.  Of course, the White Sox have this tendency to get the baseball players already in the decline of their career.  This is the team that got Bo Jackson after he had hip-replacement surgery, remember.   

Of course, Soriano isn’t exactly a young hot prospect just out of the minors.  He’s 31 years old, according to information supplied by him.  Given that he is from the South American baseball leagues where people often lie about their age to get big baseball contracts at young ages he may be closer to forty years old.  He had a great year with the Washington Nationals last year despite the team not being very good.  To me that means the Cubs should be pretty familiar to him once he gets here. 

The Cubs got rid of their manager Dusty Baker not long ago.  Then they got Lou Pinella to step into his shoes.  As a sign that maybe things might actually be changing over there they then signed Soriano to one of the richest deals in baseball.  In fact it is the package for Soriano is the fifth-largest in baseball history.  Not bad for a team that not long ago just seemed resigned to being a loser. 

The problem with the Cubs is that they are a team with a general feeling of being losers.  They have been losing for so many years there seems to be an aura of being a loser hanging over everything including that cramped, crumbling relic known as Wrigley Field.  Exactly what can shake that kind of malaise?  It’s hard to say but a manager change and signing a big name has to help.  Now maybe if they can change the owners maybe things will finally fall into place. 

I am a White Sox fan.  There is a certain easing of everything that goes with winning a World Series.  Yes, they may have stumbled and fallen horribly during this last season but they still won the entire thing in 2005.  No matter how many people try to tell me it doesn’t count because the ratings were low or how easy they somehow had it during the playoffs and series the fact remains they still won the whole thing in 2005 and nothing can change that. 

I have to say there is a part of me that feels it would be nice for Cubs fans to feel that as well.  Of course, the best script that could have been written would be for the Cubs to have won this year.  That way it would have been the Red Sox ending their curse and then the White Sox ending their losing streak.  The trifecta there would have been for the Cubs to make it and then win.  Sadly, they never really had a chance. 

Most of my family is Cubs fans.  They are all decent, hard-working people.  I find them to be truly misguided when it comes to their choice in baseball teams, but this doesn’t mean I love them any less.  As such, it would be very nice for them to experience the unbridled excitement and joy I have been surfing on since the end of 2005.   

Now, they still need to work on the fact that their two star starting pitchers are walking disasters and barely able to walk let alone pitch.  They also need to put a team on the field who can field the ball and make plays.  They need to fill the rest of the line-up with people who can hit and make plays.  One guy isn’t likely to turn an entire team around in the game of baseball.  Still, Pinella and Soriano are a very good start. 

I don’t believe in curses.  I didn’t with the White Sox and I really don’t think that’s the problem with the Cubs.  They just need to change their attitude.  I can’t say this is the solution but it does seem to be a step in the right direction. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

How to Destroy Your Career

This seems to be a theme that has become more and more prominent lately and I have already written twice about the insanity of the celebrities these days.  Just when I think there might be a break in this series of crazy events something else happens and it may be crazier than the first.  I think maybe it was a disease that was always there.  You can look back over the course of movies and celebrities and there are hints that all is not well among those who decide to make a living entertaining us. Back during the silent film era there was a man named “Fatty” Arbuckle.  He was a large man who was huge in silent film comedies at the time.  He was one of the highest-paid actors of his day with a contract of over a million dollars with Paramount Studios.  If you think about it that was back in the early nineteen hundreds so that was a tremendous amount of money.  Anyway, Fatty got himself into trouble when a young actress ended up dead after spending the better part of a weekend with him and a friend.  Arbuckle was accused of crushing the girl while attempting to rape her. 

That was just the start of it.  I am betting back in Shakespeare’s time there were actors who were hugely popular who were also involved in scandals.  Of course, back then, actors were all male and they dressed like women when the roles called for it.  You have to wonder about the mental states of those guys back then. John Wilkes Booth was an actor.  In fact he was one of the most-popular actors of his day.  Just imagine one of the popular young, handsome actors of today walking up and shooting a major world leader.  That was what it was like when Booth did what he did to
Lincoln.  Once again you have an actor doing something crazy. 

I think maybe we see it more these days because everyone and everything has a camera attached to it.  Phones have cameras.  Portable MP3s have cameras and can download pictures.  I bet there are shoes and ties and watches with cameras.  James Bond would look at the things we have with cameras and be amazed were he not entirely fictional.  This means if you do something these days you can pretty much count on the fact that it was probably captured on camera.  Want to hit your kid in the parking lot of the local “big box” store?  You had better believe you will be on camera.  Want to pee in your boss’ coffee?  You had better believe you will be caught on camera.  You combine this with the power and the immediacy of the internet and the popularity of sites like “YouTube” and other sites and you can instantly show the entire planet the embarrassing thing you caught on your necktie camera.  So, whereas at one time if Fatty Arbuckle did something it could take months for it to filter to the middle states now you can get to a computer and see Michael Richards spouting off hateful comments left and right.  In fact you can probably see it minutes, maybe hours, after the incident initially happened.  These days, you make a stupid and idiotic move like that and you can count on most of the world talking about it the next day.   It’s so easy, in fact, I am printing an easy guide.  If you are celebrity looking to be shunned and humiliated in the hopes of getting your own special with Barbara Walters here’s how you can do it: 

1.  Get Famous- first you have to get famous.  Become a movie star.  Get a hit television show.  Become a hugely famous singer.  Do just about anything just so long as it puts your name on most of the lips in
America.

2.  Do Something Public – this would be doing a comedy show or perhaps partying somewhere where you know a lot of people will take pictures.  This way they can post their videos of you taking shot after shot of tequila.  Maybe you want to stand up on the stage of a comedy club even though you’re not a stand-up comedian.  It doesn’t really matter.  Just do it in public so that a lot of people can see you and hear you and report about it later.  Once again, everyone has a camera including the cop who pulled you over so really the thing you would need to worry about is NOT being in public in some way or another.

3.  Immediately Go to Rehab – Once the tape or video hits the internet and then all of the entertainment shows the next day you should immediately declare yourself as having some kind of drinking or drug problem and then check yourself into rehab.  Whether or not this excuses your behavior or just takes away your inhibitions and exposes feelings you normally keep repressed is entirely debatable.  Whether or not this generates any sympathy is debatable.  Just know that by declaring it was the booze or the meth or the vicodin that was doing the talking you can maybe convince yourself you don’t actually think those things you said or that you were not really capable of doing the insane thing you did.

4.  Do an Interview – Find someone the likes of a Barbara Walters or someone from “60 Minutes” and schedule an interview.  Pour out your hearts.  Make a lot of statements like “if you were offended then I apologize” but never actually just say you were wrong and you were sorry.  That way you can turn it around and make it seem like the people who are offended are at fault for not getting your wry, witty and subtle sense of humor.

That’s really all there is to it.  Once you manage to do all of that you can maybe sell a book about your rehab experience.  Who knows, you may have a long and lengthy career in retail waiting for you.  On the other hand you might just end up directing a movie and winning Academy Awards or something. 

Regardless of which just remember there are about five billion other people who all want to be famous.  Therefore, once you have destroyed your career you can count on the fact there will be someone younger, more attractive and better at whatever it is you do to take your place.  The machine feeds itself.  It’s kind of cool in a very creepy way, don’t you think? Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Video Game Insanity

I have to confess I don’t understand the video game fanaticism I see going on these days.  People are camping out for days, even weeks in some places, all for the honor of shelling out $600 for a game station.  Now, as I understand it, most of the people standing in line simply turn around and sell the things on eBay for somewhere around $6,000.  Is this the only reason?  Is that really worth sleeping on concrete for six days in a row?  Am I missing something here?   Maybe it’s just that I am not a games guy.  Sure, I have spent many hours playing games of all kinds on my life.  I have played board games.  I have had bursts where playing certain games ruled my life.  I went through a period during my high school years when I wanted to play “Risk” all the time and played for hours with friends.  I even had a brief moment of playing roll-playing games although I never got obsessed enough to then spend hours talking about my character in public like some people I knew back then.  The thing it, games have just never held much power over me for the long-term.  In fact, these days, I prefer to avoid them all-together. 

Not to sound too much like an old-fogey, but I can say I was there at the birth of the video game in the home.  My family, for some reason, was always on the cutting-edge of the home video game system back in the infancy of the genre.  My family even had one of those home “Pong” game systems that was likely to burn the images of the dashes into your television screen.  We were also one of the first families to have an Atari system.  Then our family jumped to Colecovision which made me the popular kid on the block for a while.  Then what did we do?  We got the Atari game adapter for the thing and kept buying Atari games. I was into video games for a while.  I spent hours playing “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids.”  I was pretty good at “Asteroids.”  Of course, I played the best when I set it for the kids setting on the game system but I was, technically, a kid so that wasn’t cheating too much.  Of course, back then, there was no way to win those games.  You just played until you ran out of lives.  

I think the first quest game was this Atari game where you wandered around these mazes looking for swords and chalices and crap like that.  I also remember it was one of the first games to have hidden things you could find.  As I recall you could get a “magic dot” that would allow you to do something. At some point, though, video games just passed me by.  I never got a Nintendo.  I remember everyone in college having one of those damn things and I would spend hours while they tried to get through “Super Mario Bros.”  I never thought the game looked like fun. 

I think for me the problem is those games that are so popular are just frustrating for me.  I do not have great hand-eye coordination.  I have never had great hand-eye coordination.  This means video games are impossible.  So, those games that have a story to them are frustrating because I can NEVER GET TO THE NEXT PART OF THE DAMN STORY!!!  It would be like having a DVD and putting it into the machine and watching the movie up until the next chapter and then having to figure out some impossible puzzle in order to get to the next chapter. I like movies.  I love movies.  I like being able to sit there and just let the story get to me.  In “Casino Royale” I am going to get to see the next chapter and what happens to James Bond regardless of whether or not I can open the suitcase to find the combination to a safe guarded by eighteen guards and a giant monster with tentacles.  I cannot imagine enjoying a story where I could never get to the next chapter.  I just don’t have the patience.  For me, getting to the next chapter should be no more difficult that sitting still or turning the next page.  It should not involve killing something or solving a puzzle.  Ever.  Thank you. 

So, for me, no matter how great the graphics, how intense the storyline, or how moving the entire game experience is I will never be compelled to play a video game or consider is at cool as a movie or television show.  This does not mean that I, as a writer, wouldn’t gladly help script a video game.  At this point I would help people write grocery lists for pay, but I just don’t want to play the damn things.  I don’t find all of that problem solving and shooting fun I just find it frustrating.  I lose interest and I just give up.  I let friends win the games and then they can tell me about the story. Needless to say, this means I will not be seen sitting on the cement outside of a Best Buy or toy store hoping to shell out a few hundred bucks for a video game system.  I will not be doing this to even turn around and sell it for a one hundred percent mark-up.  I just will not do it because I don’t think sitting outside in the cold looks like fun and I don’t think lugging the damn games around in the box looks like fun and I don’t think playing the games looks like fun. 

I realized I was old and the world was passing me by when I saw the story on “60 Minutes” about a kid who was making money playing video games.  He is considered the world’s first virtual athlete.  He was winning money by playing tournaments and those first-person shoot-‘em-up games.  He was making money by selling gaming gear with his game name on it.  It was the first moment I truly shook my head and wondered about the kids today.  Before you know it I will be standing outside of my home with my cane raised over my head telling kids to get off of my lawn. If you love video games and spend hours and hours and hours parked in front of your television playing these games then I salute you.  I am sure you are better than me in ways I cannot possibly understand.  I am willing to admit you are more patient than I am and probably have better hand-eye coordination and problem-solving skills than I have.  I grant all of that to you.  However, as the guy who ends up sitting there watching you play the games instead of watching a movie on the same television screen I can only say I would rather we watch the movie version of “Scarface” than play the game. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook format at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Bond Gets a Shot in the Arm

Just like the movie “Batman Begins” did last year for that flagging franchise the new James Bone film “Casino Royale” gives a stale series a much-needed shot of adrenalin.  This is, without a doubt, the best Bond film I have seen in a long time.  For those of you who were worried about Daniel Craig taking over the role, you don’t have to worry because he could be the best Bond yet and, yes, I am even factoring in Sean Connery. 

I am a James Bond fan.  I can’t help it.  In my family the James Bond movies were always watched whenever they were on television.  To this day, whenever AMC or one of the other cable channels has the Bond marathons, I am glued to the television nearly ever night.  Yes, some of them are fairly dreadful (“Moonraker”) but most of them are a lot of fun.  In fact, even the bad ones are fun.   

There was a big flap raised when Craig was picked to be the next bond.  He wasn’t tall enough and he’s blond.  The thing is he is EXACTLY what this movies needed and what this franchise needed.  He is real.  He is also probably the best-built Bond of any of them.  He looks like a guy who could kick your ass. 

This Bond goes back to the beginning.  We see James make his second kill to get his Double-O rating in the pre-credit sequence.  This is a James Bond unlike what we have seen before.  He is raw.  He is new to this.  He makes mistakes.  He is reckless and arrogant.  He doesn’t even regularly drink martinis.  Also, he is utterly and completely ruthless.  This Bond is a stone-cold killer.  He doesn’t kill his enemies cleverly and then make a witty retort.  He drowns them in sinks and shoots them right in the face. 

Bond’s mission is to take down Le Chiffre.  Le Chiffre is a man who is the financial wizard for terrorist organizations from around the world.  This is a villain who does not live in some gigantic island base or underwater in some base that rises from the ocean depths.  He has a fairly fancy yacht but that’s about it.  He is the man who takes care of the money for terrorist organizations from around the world.  He invests the money and makes it available to them anywhere on the planet.  He also, occasionally, has to create a terrorist act of his own in order to ensure that his investments pay-off. 

When James disrupts one of his activities he finds himself in a bit of debt.  With terrorists, you don’t want to tick them off by telling them you have lost their money.  Le Chiffre has an ace up his sleeve, almost literally.  He loves to play poker and he is very good at playing poker.  So, if he can win a high-stakes game at the infamous Casino Royale, he can make back the money he lost plus more.   

This is where James comes in.  He is given his Double-O status and then backed by MI:6 and sent to Casino Royale to beat him in poker.  He is to bankrupt Le Chiffre and thereby disrupt the finances of countless terrorist organizations across the globe.  Of course, they also know that Le Chiffre will probably not be long for this earth once the people he is supposed to be helping find out hey lost all of their money. 

So, yes, this is a movie where the major centerpiece of the movie is a card game.  In the original Ian Fleming novel it was baccarat.  They have made it a little more modern by making this card game Texas Hold ‘Em.  They manage to make even this very exciting.  Who would imagine watching men playing cards could be exciting?   It’s tense.  It builds.  You’ll gasp.  You’ll cheer.  Man, this was a good movie. 

The opening sequence, right after the credits, is a chase scene that you will just have to see to believe.  The price of admission is worth it just for this scene alone.  I have no idea who the actor is who plays the man Bond is chasing but this guy, or his stunt double, can do some of the most amazing acrobatics I have ever seen.  This scene goes on for a long time and not a single moment of it is wasted.  Is it realistic?  Hell no, but damn it is exciting.  They jump off of giant cranes and up and down a building under construction.  This is one of the best chase scenes in any Bond film ever. 

This is a stripped-down Bond.  There is no “Q.”  Judi Dench is back as “M.”  It’s not that there are NO gadgets, but there is no pen that shoots missiles or a car that can somehow turn invisible to the naked eye.  There are cell phones with tracking devices and an implant in the arm that allows Bond to call home for help.  Beyond that the only thing Bond needs are his fists and his gun complete with silencer. 

This Bond is brutal.  He has bloody knuckles when he’s done fighting.  He gets hurt.  He even falls in love.  Yes, there are Bone women.  There are two of them, actually.  Caterina Murino is the wife of one of Le Chiffre’s associates who ends up in Bond’s bed.  The second is Evan Green who plays Vesper Lynd and she is the one who is supposed to provide the money for Bond’s game should he go through the original ten million she provides.  She also steals Bond’s heart.  Then…well, you’ll just have to see it to find out. 

This is a Bond story that manages to take you back to the old days while also reminding you of more modern spy stories like the Bourne movies.  In fact, I have a feeling a lot of the action was inspired in some way by those movies.  We don’t need a bond with a rocket pack anymore.  However, a Bond who can use his fists and a gun better than anyone will work just fine, thank you. 

If there is one complaint I have about this movie is that it is a tad too long.  There is a long sequence near the end where you kind of wish they would have tightened things up a bit.  It’s nice to see Bond have a tender moment or two but it shouldn’t drag on quite as long as it does. 

This is a very good movie.  It is an excellent movie.  As far at James Bond movies, this is one of the best.  I loved it and I look forward to seeing it again during those James Bond marathons a few years from now.  I look forward to seeing what Daniel Craig does next and sort of wish they’d just let him remake all of them starting with “Dr. No.” 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in print and eBook at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

Stuff’s Gonna ‘Splode

There is one law about being a man that people should realize and that law would be that men love stuff that goes boom.  Now, I am actually not talking about anything of a sexual nature here.  The simple fact is that men tend to love things that explode.  Also, for the most part, men all go through a period as children where they want to blow things up.   

I make this point simply because I recently found a website with clips of nothing but buildings, bridges and smokestacks being demolished.  For those of us who have always had a thing for making other things go boom this has to be the coolest job ever.  Yes, you can have rock stars and movie stars and whatever other kind of stars but the guy who can hit a button and cause an building to go down and then get paid for it has to be some kind of star.   

There is just something very cool about the whole thing.  Yes, I know, there are also tragic demolitions and certain events in the not-too-distant past seemed to resemble one of these demolition explosions.  I know that.  I am also willing to concede that it is now far enough in the past that I can, at the very least, now once again sit in amazement at the site of old and abandoned buildings being brought down in that slow-motion descent followed by dust.   

Apparently in
China they just set a record, too, at least that’s what this particular website claims.  They brought down sixteen buildings at once.  The video for this has to be one of the coolest I have ever seen.  Sixteen old apartment buildings in a small cluster all slowly falling to the side like gigantic dominoes is truly something to behold.  Seeing the other camera angles where you see just how tiny these buildings were compared to the newer buildings around it makes you understand why this had to be done. 

Of course what is amazing is that things within this industry don’t go wrong more often.  It does happen and that usually gets shown on television.  Still, considering these are people planting explosives all around a building and hoping that they have done so just right and in a way that will bring down tons of concrete and steel and brick without hurting anyone.  How this happens as often as it does without killing more people is beyond me.  The amount of training that goes into this job is staggering. 

On the site I visited they showed the demolition in
China.  One of the buildings did not go down.  They said that not enough explosives had been properly distributed throughout the building.  Who gets to go in there and figure that out?  Who gets to go into a building that is partially exploded and walk around and try to place more explosives so the rest of the building goes down?  It has to be the guy lowest on the company totem pole, right?  They send the intern in there or something, right?  I know I would. 

This is why men love movies that most women just scratch their heads and shrug their shoulders and roll their eyes about.  By the way, women, that’s really rude, but more importantly you just don’t understand.  There is something deep inside us that craves the violence.  There is nothing more violent than stuff exploding.  If I were to run an HD television channel I would, in addition to running the station with the sunrises, have a station that just showed stuff exploding and imploding.  Buildings descending in slow motion in high-def would be pretty impressive.  Mushroom clouds from nuclear tests could be run an entire week during sweeps. 

I know that loving violence is wrong.  I know that there is real violence in the world and it is a very tragic and terrible thing.  I know that stuff exploding in any way that is destructive in a way that harms people is bad.  However, watching it on screen in a fictional presentation is just awesome.  If there was a movie without any plot and was just one building and thing exploding after another, in 3-D, with surround sound, on a big screen, it would be one of the biggest blockbusters ever. 

There are certain movies that are perfect for this.  “The Last Boy Scout” is one of those movies.  This is a movie where you need to prepare for watching by finding yourself a scalpel and some kind of saw.  First, cut a big circle around the top of you head.  Use the saw to then but a circle around the top of your skull.  Then entire use a screwdriver or have a friend remove the top of your skull and remove your brain.  You are now in the perfect state to watch the most illogical and idiotic movie to star Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans.   

This is a movie that has guns and people getting shot and thrown off of highway overpasses.  Somehow none of the heroes manage to die or even get seriously hurt in a way that stops them from running or punching people or shooting or riding horses.  Then, at the end, just when you are breathless and wondering how a movie could be this utterly stupid and yet so exhilarating, something blows up.  Now that is movie cinema gold right there. 

I am not one who believes that a movie should enlighten you for having watched it.  For me, any movie that can allow me to shut off my brain or even lapse into a coma and I can still follow the thread of the storyline is just fine.  I like the occasional profound movie, sure, but there is nothing like having a bunch of stuff blow up. 

I think this may be something in our DNA.  I think maybe it starts when we are kids.  That particular gene kicks in the first time you watch a “Road-Runner” cartoon.  As soon as you see the coyote blow himself up and then stand there as a smoking ruin but still spry enough to chase after the Road Runner again that gene kicks and you start looking for things to tie to bottle-rockets.   

I remember when I was forced to play an instrument called the recorder when I was in grammar school.  This is a horrible instrument that serves no particular purpose as far as I can see.  I went to a grammar school where every kid was handed one of these horrible devices and we had to spend hours learning how to play them.  The worst was then playing the stupid tunes we had to learn for our teachers.  It was awful.  It lasted until about seventh grade, I believe, and then you were no longer required to play the damn thing.   

What did I do as soon as I didn’t need mine anymore?  You had better believe I took it into the backyard and stuffed some firecrackers into the thing.  Was watching that horrid, miserable, awful-sounding hunk of spit-covered plastic explode into a million pieces about the finest moment of my young life?  You had better believe it was. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available in both print and ebook format at his website www.bryanalspa.com and www.amazon.com.

The Surprise of the Season

It’s amazing to think that there are places in this very country where men and women devote all of their time by high school football.  You see it in places like Chicago in some of the suburbs as well but it takes on a whole new level in some places like in Texas.  When you live in a big city like Chicago or New York or Detroit you have major league sports team to serve as a distraction.  You also have a lot of city with a lot of opportunities for kids to take advantage of.  In short, football isn’t the only way to actually get out of the town and into a big city. A few years back there was a book called “Friday Night Lights” about a town in
Texas where football was pretty much the very lifeblood of the town.  It was a kind of obsession that even the most ardent Bears or Packers fan would find strange.  It was the kind of obsession that made it seem as if people would live and die based upon what the local high school football team did.  Whereas you may wait until Sunday with anticipation for your NFL team or maybe Saturday to watch you favorite college team but these places waited for Friday night.  The games are carried on local television and news stations.  The local sports radio stations talked about the games and the players the way your local sports radio stations may talk about the NFL team. 

That book was turned into a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton.  It was a modest hit and pretty well received by critics.  It told the story of a man who came to the town of Odessa
Texas and was put in charge of a team called the Panthers.  It gave information about how life centered around high school football in that town.  It told the story of how economic depression had pinned everyone’s hopes on whether or not the high school team would make into the state finals every year. I never saw that movie.  A television show about football wasn’t one I was particularly interested in seeing.  I also had a problem that a television show called “Friday Night Lights” was not actually going to be on Friday nights which seemed logical.  However, I liked the actor Kyle Chandler who was going to be playing the lead and the previews seemed to be rather interesting and intense.  I decided I had nothing better to do and would tune in to the first episode. 

What I found was the surprise of the season. I found a show that was filmed in a documentary style.  I found a television show that was powerfully written with well-developed characters.  I found compelling storylines and interesting people plus amazingly filmed football game footage.  Finally, I found a show that was well-acted. It’s tough to find actors who are supposed to be high school students who can act.  This seems to be an issue that “Friday Night Lights” has solved.  There is the quarterback who ends up with the spinal injury.  His recovery has managed to become a story that is almost as compelling as whether or not the team is going to make it into the finals.  The story of the back-up quarterback trying to maintain leadership over the team resonates with me here in Chicago after going through last Bears season and watching back-up quarterback Kyle Orton hold the team together. 

Then there’s the player who is the quarterback’s best friend who is also an alcoholic and has a huge crush on the quarterback’s girlfriend.  He blames himself for his friend ended up in the hospital and uses that as an excuse to fall deeper into his addictions and self-destructive behavior. Meanwhile there is the quarterback who was illegally recruited to play on the team.  He was displaced due to Hurricane Katrina and was an all-star player on his Louisiana team.  Now the coach and the team may be in trouble due to the illegal recruitment. 

Holding all of this together is the story of the coach and his family.  How does a man manage to live day-to-day when the hopes and dreams of the town are placed squarely on his shoulders seconds after he wakes every day?  Everywhere he goes people give him advice on how he should coach the team and who he should play.  When he loses the townspeople seem to feel they have the right to threaten the man and his family.  There is a disturbing scene where the coach enters a fast-food restaurant with his daughter and his daughter is accosted by a man who at one time won a state championship with the football team.  The fact that he is now fat, still living in the town, and still obsessed with high school football doesn’t seem to matter with him. Some of the racism that was dealt with in the movie is absent in this television show, but it is there.  The black students are treated more like animals who are expected to perform on cue for the masses.  Meanwhile each of them holds out hope that a big college might recruit them and then they might get to the pros and provide money to their families. 

What is so compelling about this is that you know there are towns like this going through things like this right now.  There are towns right now gearing up for the Friday night game and there are kids who are putting the hopes and dreams of the entire town on their heads.  There are kids right now who think that football is the only hope they have to getting out of some small no-name town and into a life of untold riches.  All of them forget the toll that this game takes on their bodies or forget that the rich linebacker can now barely walk with his career over because his knees are shot forever. The head coach of the Chicago Bears, Lovie Smith, came from a town like that.  Part of the reason he may be so good at what he does is because he came from a place where everyone lived on a steady diet of football.  I would guess that he is the exception, however, and not the rule.  I am willing to bet that all of those kids out there in that town right now really have no more chance of turning pro than I do.   

It’s a sad fact that all of that pressure may not lead to more than a life in a small town, growing old, gaining weight and then sitting there at middle age looking at a tarnished state championship ring.  That is what the show “Friday Night Lights” is about.  That seems heavy, but the show is also compelling, well-written and exciting.  You care about these people.  It’s the surprise of the season and I am hoping the Dillon Panthers make it to the state championship. Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.

In Case You’ve Been Wondering What O.J. Has Been Up To

I had originally planned to write about a show that has taken me by surprise by being of excellent quality.  It’s nice when that kind of thing happens mostly because it has been so rare as of late.  There was a time when you might find multiple shows that were pretty good.  Of course that may have been when I was about ten years old so it’s hard to say if I had any real taste considering I was still watching cartoons on Saturday morning.  Anyway, I had wanted to recommend a show to people because I have been taken by surprise by this particular show.  However, the Fox network showed a commercial for something that almost knocked me on the floor. 

You are probably aware of the Fox network.  I remember when Fox officially became a network.  There was a time when David Letterman would talk about the Fox network and then laugh in fake hysterical laughter.  This was back when Fox was showing things like “Married…With Children” and a bunch of shows about autopsying aliens.  Of course that also made Fox famous.  It was Fox who was willing to put on just about any show that anyone pitched at them.  We all remember the various “When Things Attack” phase of the network.   

Since that originally time the network has managed to put on some quality shows and made itself a major network force to be reckoned with.  “The X-Files” is a good example of that.  The thing about that show, however, at least with me, is I find I have no desire to watch them in syndication.  Fox also now has shows like “House” and “Prison Break” which are also quality shows in my opinion.  Finally the show has always been the best place to find the funniest animated shows ever.  “The Simpsons” has to hold the record as being the longest-running and yet consistently-funny show in television.  I am also a huge fan of “Family Guy” and “American Dad.” 

It seems, however, that Fox just cannot get fully away from the days when it would show pictures of bears attacking old women or whatever.  I saw a commercial for a show entitled, and I swear to you I am not kidding, “O.J. Simpson: If I had Done it, this is How it was Done.”  Having just written that I actually had to pause, rub my eyes comically, and then stare again at what I had just written.  I kept waiting for it to be a joke when I watched the commercial.  I kept waiting for the punch-line.  I kept wondering when it would be revealed to be some kind of “Punk’d” show or “MadTV.”  For all I know this will still turn out to be a joke.  O.J. Simpson did have a show you could get on Pay-Per-View where he did practical jokes. 

So, judging from the commercial, O.J. is going to sit there and in some weird Bizzarro World interview act like he didn’t commit the murders but then explain how he would have committed them if he had.  In addition to having sore eyes from the rubbing I just gave myself a headache with that explanation.  Here’s the thing that O.J. needs to keep in mind: we all know you did it and we always have. 

It seems a silly thing considering what has happened since O.J. had the entire country held in its thrall.  September 11, 2001 was still years away.  It is amazing to think that there was a simpler time when we didn’t live in fear and weren’t at war and an ex-football player who had killed his wife and an innocent waiter could hold our attention.   

Like a lot of people I got fairly caught up in the thing.  I was on the air at a college radio station when the whole slow chase thing was going on.  I was getting phone calls from people wanting to update me on what was going on. I figured O.J. was going to shoot himself in the head inside that Bronco but that didn’t happen.  No, we had months and months of details and trial shenanigans to endure yet. 

Like a lot of people, I was also surprised that he was found not guilty.  One thing that people often forget when people are found that is that they are not declared “innocent.”  All they say is you are “not guilty” which is a bit of semantics and splitting-hairs but it is important.  Essentially “not guilty” means that the prosecution hasn’t presented enough of a case to show that you are guilty. 

What was always interesting to me was that O.J. claimed he had cut his hand by breaking a glass when he was here in
Chicago at a hotel.  I knew where the hotel was that he was supposed to be staying at when he was here.  I used to drive past it all the time.  I remember when cops were combing the area around the hotel looking for the knife. 

I wonder what O.J. is going to say during this particular television special.  It seems amazing to me that he is going to say anything in particular.  Of course he isn’t going to just admit that he did it.  At the same time he is going to give his theories on how someone could get away with that kind of murder.  Apparently this is what all of his independent investigating has dug up for him.  Remember when he said he was going to devote his time to finding Nicole’s killer and then went golfing?  Apparently he found some evidence on the ninth hole. 

Of course Fox is showing this during the sweeps period that comes every November.  More than likely people will tune it.  At the very least it will be nice to visit and remember a time when you didn’t have to worry if the guy who lives across the street was a terrorist.  It was such a kinder, gentler time when you just had to worry about ex-football stars lopping your head off with a giant knife. 

It is also a throwback to a simpler time when the Fox network was showing specials about people autopsying alien bodies.  It was a nice time to remember when you could turn on Fox and see animals attacking children.  If only for nostalgic purposes this show may be worth watching.As for me, I remember the O.J. trial because of one phrase a friend of mine named Pat once said on a radio talk show.  Back then Pat and his brother and some friends would call this local night-time radio talk show and see if they could get on the air posing as legit callers and then fill their statements with inside jokes.  The goal was to see how long you could remain on the air with ridiculous sounds going on in the background or silly noises or strange phrases being thrown out.  It was funny.  Pat, however, called in once about O.J. and may have said one of the funniest sentences I have ever heard. 

“I think when the DA and the LAPD get the DNA tests back they’re going to see it was O.J.’s fault those people were DOA, do you agree with me?” 

Yes, I do, Pat.  Yes, I do. 

Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust is available for sale at his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.